You Don't Want To Know
Updated 2008-04-18 19:19:55
We open at a magic show hosted by some English guy and attended by one eager Kumar and a bored-looking Cole, the latter in a suit. I'm starting to think Cole doesn't wear anything but suits. Suits, and magic underwear. Speaking of magic: the magician asks for volunteers for his next stunt. Kumar dopily raises his hand, grunting like you did when you were in third grade and wanted the teacher to call on you so that you could show everyone you knew the answer. Dork. The magician calls on Kumar, only to dash his hopes by requesting the assistance of his tablemate Cole, who looks like he'd rather tear his own head off and eat it than participate in this show. Not improving his mood very much is Kumar, who slaps him on the ass as he approaches the stage. I'm...not sure why he did that, actually. It's not like they're playing a football game. An uncomfortable Cole is forced to attest to the realness of the magician's water tank and the handcuffs he'll be locking his hands in when he's lowered and locked into the water tank.
Once inside the tank, the magician lamely flails around for a second. Then he doesn't move at all. Cole asks the magician's lovely assistant whether this part of the act. "I'm new," she shrugs. Then the magician makes blood appear as he barfs it out of his mouth. At this point, I would've just assumed the magician was doing something really cool for this magic trick and probably accidentally let him die, but Cole figures out that it's not an illusion, and calls Kumar up to the stage. It's always convenient when the medical mysteries come to you. That was one thing Jessica Fletcher kind of took for granted in her mystery-solving days, when she would meet up with an old friend, only for said old friend to be viciously -- and mysteriously -- murdered.
After the credits, House is whizzing around on a Razor scooter from 2001, delighted at his current lack of cases. At this, Kumar pipes up that he saw a potential case last night when a magician's heart stopped while he was hanging upside down in a water tank. What about the blood barfing? Since when is that a symptom of a simple heart attack? House doesn't care about this case -- not even when Cole backs Kumar up that the heart attack was not a result of the magician drowning in his own trick. Instead, House makes fun of Cole for leaving work at 6 to take care of his kid while somehow making time for "man-dates." But House, you have to make time for man-dates. They're mandated. Homonyms aside, House kind of has a point here. The only magic a single parent should really have time to see is that asshole at his kid's birthday party who makes a bunch of handkerchiefs come out of his mouth.
Meanwhile, CTB just wants to know what the challenge House mentioned earlier is all about. House tells them the stakes first: the winner gets to nominate two Numbers, one of whom House will fire. All of the Numbers consider these high stakes except Kumar, who's still insisting that the magician's heart stopped because of some underlying problem and not because the guy messed up his trick and panicked himself into a heart attack, which is what House thinks. And, quite frankly, I have to side with Kumar here, even though he seems like a dope. I don't think it's all that common for a young man to panic himself into a heart attack. House sends Kumar off to do whatever tests he wants, warning him that if there is nothing wrong with the magician, Kumar will be fired. Kumar leaves, and House tells the rest of the group about the challenge: he wants to know which of his doctors has the skills to break the rules without getting caught. To do this, they must bring him Cuddy's thong. At this, Foreman briefly puts down the newspaper he was reading to feign interest. House assures the Numbers that he's not kidding, and sends them on their way. Off they go, pausing only to check in with Foreman, who owes them nothing after the way they've treated him and his authority since he arrived there. He gives them nothing in return, simply saying "that's how I got hired." Hey, remember that song by Sisqó, "The Thong Song?" It was so popular and now it's like it never existed. What's up with that?
The four Numbers make their way to the Clinic. Of course, Thirteen is the first to express resistance in participating in the challenge because she's no fun at all. CTB hilariously says that she'll respect Thirteen for standing on principle, dripping with so much sincerity that you know she doesn't mean any of it. Cole and PS say that they should all agree not to participate and call it a day. CTB agrees, but no one believes her. Sure enough, she says she's totally planning on getting that thong. I don't know why Thirteen, Cole, and PS even bothered to try.
Kumar tells the magician, Flynn, that his tests have come back fine so far. Flynn notes the disappointment in Kumar's voice (way to put the patient first, there, Doctor Dope), and Thirteen appears in the room to inform the magician that Kumar will get fired if Flynn is healthy. Flynn says that he can puke if it'll help Kumar, but then he just fake-barfs up a bunch of stupid playing cards. Oh no, he's one of those obnoxious magicians. Although I guess there really isn't any other kind. No one is impressed by this (although Kumar might have been, just a little), but Flynn doesn't get the hint and keeps going, asking Thirteen to pick one of his freshly-barfed cards, coated in possibly contagious spittle. Didn't they take his personal effects away from him when he was admitted? They should have. Thirteen eventually picks a card to get Flynn to shut up, wondering why he doesn't seem all that worried about his health. The magician shrugs that either he'll die or he won't. Worrying about it won't accomplish anything. Except didn't House think he had a heart attack after messing up a trick panicking (a.k.a. worrying?). Flynn doesn't, saying there's no way he would mess up a trick. He "proves" this by showing off for Kumar and Thirteen, first setting Kumar's wallet on fire (although that could just be from some leftover embers from Kumar's last defibrillation session) and then making the card Thirteen picked appear inside it. The doctors are in awe, but if I were Kumar, I'd be a little pissed that someone poured flash powder all over my wallet full of dollah dollah bills.
Poor, innocent Cuddy is wandering around the Clinic, blissfully unaware of the mental energy that is going into the removal of her undergarments. CTB sidles up to PS, who's standing outside staring in at Cuddy and plotting, although he denies this. CTB notes that he's holding a cup full of coffee, adding that Cuddy can't wear her thong if it's wet. I'm not exactly sure what she meant by that, but I'm going to give this an "ew" just to be on the safe side. CTB says that they should team up. PS refuses, saying that he can do just fine on his own, and the two make their way into the Clinic and approach Cuddy, at which point CTB either trips PS, or he makes it look like he tripped. Either way, the intended result was for PS's coffee to get all over Cuddy's lap, but it just gets all over PS instead. He's left to clean himself off while CTB follows Cuddy to the Clinic to do some volunteer hours. Apparently, her plan is to charm Cuddy's underpants off.
A desperate Kumar tells Foreman that he found nothing wrong with Flynn, and now he's going to have to send the guy home and get fired. I hope the Magician's Guild gives Flynn good coverage for all those expensive and apparently unnecessary tests. Foreman takes pity on Kumar and suggests checking Flynn's lungs. Kumar says that the ER already did that, but Foreman suggests checking again, knowing that the ER is staffed by dunderheads like Cameron. In the MRI of DOOOM!!
Meanwhile, CTB puts her plan into action. First, she calls the operator and tells her to page Cuddy to the nurse's station, stat. Then CTB lights a cigarette for the sole purpose of giving the previews a cool shot. She exhales the smoke in the general direction of the sprinkler system, but it's not enough to set it off. So she just climbs onto the examining table and holds the lighter up to the sprinkler. By the way, I'm pretty sure real hospitals don't have sprinklers that automatically go off at the first sign of danger, drenching everything in sight. The one I worked at had this whole system where someone would call in a fire and then the hospital PA system would page "Dr. Firestone" to wherever the fire was. That way, the employees knew that there was a fire and where it was located, but the patients wouldn't know and therefore wouldn't panic. This was important, since many of them were confined to their beds and sick and stuff. The fire would supposedly be confined behind the fire doors that automatically shut during an alarm, keeping the rest of the hospital safe from the fire without the need for evacuations. The system worked pretty well most of the time, but sometimes there'd be a fire somewhere like a utility closet or the women's bathroom and the PA system would page Dr. Firestone to Stall 3 of the women's bathroom on the second floor and I'm pretty sure people got suspicious. Anyway, employees were supposed to stay where they were during a Dr. Firestone and await further instructions, but at PPTH, everyone responds to the fire drill by running around madly under the pouring sprinklers and probably slipping on the wet floor and breaking hips while the druggies raid the unmanned, open pharmacy. Is that House I see at the Vicodin shelf? CTB approaches the nurse's station for the next part of her cunning plan, but she has been foiled: Cuddy was too busy talking to PS to get to the nurse's station in time. Instead, she's standing outside the Clinic, dry as a bone, looking sad at the disaster that has befallen PPTH yet again, this time in the form of water, water everywhere. PS smiles and waves at CTB. Honestly, though, I don't know what CTB thought this was going to do. It's not like Cuddy was going to get drenched and then shrug and remove her wet panties in front of everybody and toss them aside.
In a dry part of PPTH, Kumar sends Flynn into the MRI of DOOOM! He's barely inside the tube before he starts screaming in pain. Kumar and Thirteen run to check on him. I was expecting Flynn to pull out some doves or something, but his medical emergency seems to be genuine, as we see a big bruise on his left side that indicates internal bleeding.
Thirteen and Kumar report to House that Flynn is on the operating table. They've given him three units of blood (AB positive, Thirteen suspiciously details) but still can't find the source of his bleeding. Kumar tries not to smile too much at how right he was, since it's probably not tactful to rejoice over someone's almost-dead body. He says that they don't know what's wrong with Flynn, but that they do know one thing: that there's something wrong with him and therefore Kumar isn't fired. Thirteen guesses an "intestinal infarct." Yes, I have to imagine that an intestinal infarct would be very painful indeed. Unlike intestinal outfarcts, which, let's face it, can be satisfying despite their high potential for embarrassment. With this, Thirteen drops a file on the ground and yells at Kumar when he tries to help her pick it up. I would think she was just being a bitch, but House seems to see something more, and pays more attention to that than he ever did to his patient who is currently bleeding all over the operating table.
Oh, and then CTB and PS enter with a black thong that they claim came from Cuddy. PS says that there's "only one way" he could've gotten the thong, but House immediately figures out a second way: he just teamed up with CTB and she gave him hers. Yeah, or they just drove to the nearest Victoria's Secret and bought a fresh new pair, which I'd much rather do than give up what I was currently wearing. Come on, CTB. Why are you wearing a thong to work anyway? You've got long hours. Thongs aren't comfortable on long shifts. Plus, you're wearing a white lab coat that obscures any panty lines, which are the only reason anyone should wear a thong. House bases his assumption on the fact that Cuddy is wearing a red bra today, so it must be accompanied by a matching red thong. CTB, on the other hand, is wearing a black bra that must match the black thong on the table. "Do your research, people!" Foreman supplies. That guy just doesn't give a shit anymore. He'll go along with whatever insane thing House is doing this week as long as it's not against him. Better yet, if he times his bathroom trip just right, he doesn't have to do anything at all. House busts CTB and PS, and she grabs her underwear off the table and says that she was only cheating because she was trying so hard. Meanwhile, everyone just saw her underwear. How can she ever be taken seriously at the workplace ever again?
Foreman reminds the room that Flynn is still bleeding for no reason. House thinks it's more important to know that there's a lady in the room with no underwear on, but grudgingly asks Kumar about those MRI results. Kumar says that there aren't any; Flynn started screaming as soon as they got him in the tube. House figures out what's wrong and tells Kumar to follow him. On their way out, the two pause to leer at the underwear-less CTB. Oh, come on, guys. She's still wearing pants. It's not like her lack of underwear means that you can see anymore now than you could before. Unless, of course, House is wearing his mirror shoes.
House enters the OR and thoroughly annoys the surgeon and his staff (Chase is nowhere to be seen, even though this would actually be a good reason for him to be there) before reaching into Flynn's shredded digestive track and pulling out a metal handcuff key.
House shows the key to a sheepish Flynn, now recovering from his surgery. He forgot to mention that he swallowed it to use for his magic act, and the MRI magnet ripped it through his body, causing all the bleeding and internal damage. And the MRI claims another victim! It sucks greedily on the blood of the innocent spilled on its little moving bed thing as it waits for another, growing stronger by the day. The only person who can stop it now is House and another one of the PPTH corpses he shot up . House informs Flynn that Kumar is off his case now that there's nothing actually wrong with him, but Flynn maintains that he did not screw up his trick and give himself that heart attack in the first place. He pegs House for a fellow magician, saying that he seems like the lonely and obsessive type. What? Magicians are lonely? But David Copperfield has plenty of female company, and all of it voluntary! House says that he outgrew that phase, but he stills picks a card when Flynn asks him to. He puts it back in the pack, which Flynn then throws against the wall. A jack of hearts sticks to the wall, but House is unimpressed, since his card was a six of spades. He calls Flynn a hack as he removes the Jack from the wall -- only to find the six of spades stuck under it on the other side of the glass. "I don't screw up," says Flynn. And then his nose bleeds all over the place.
Back from break, House shows off his own sleight-of-hand abilities, making a playing card disappear and reappear in his hand while telling the Numbers that Flynn must actually sick with a nose bleed like that. Kumar is pleased as punch, because he's an asshole. Now that they have a real case, House ends the Cuddy Thong Challenge, at which point Cole produces a bright red thong and tosses it on the table. Sorry, Cole -- the contest is over. You shouldn't have waited so long for the dramatic reveal. Without any prompting, CTB stands up and shows everyone the band of her thong, indicating that since she's wearing it, the red one can't be hers. Unless, of course, she just brought an extra pair into work that day. Why are we operating under the assumption that women only own one pair of panties, and that each matches one bra? Am I the only loser with multiple pairs? Thirteen does not share CTB's eagerness to show off her bloomers, even though she'd be the most likely suspect, since she and Cole were kind of friends, weren't they? Except now Kumar is Cole's friend. I guess Thirteen just doesn't have any more room in her life for friends, what with all her MYSTERIES. Anyway, House doesn't believe the panties are really Cuddy's, nor did he bother to come up with a way to prove it before thinking of this challenge. Sorry, Cole!
Back to Flynn, Thirteen runs down his history, which is pretty much free of heart problems. CTB guesses something with a lot of letters in it, and PS suggests cocaine, even throwing in the lingo with a line about Flynn taking "regular rolls in the snow." Aren't you cool, PS? House sends PS and Kumar to Flynn's house to look for cocaine, and CTB and Cole to test for CTB's diagnosis of a bunch of letters. As for Thirteen: she gets to have her own subplot and is called into House's office.
Once there, House says that he noticed Thirteen getting "irrationally upset" over dropping a file. Thirteen responds with her perfect quick wit that is quite the match for House! But what of her mysteries???? We must know! WHAT AN INTRIGUING CHARACTER THIRTEEN IS TURNING OUT TO BE! House says that he thinks Thirteen is hiding a medical condition from him, and the sad piano music plays as we're supposed to think House is concerned for another human being. He tells Thirteen that if she has "something going on," she needs to "take care of it." He claims that this is purely self-interest talking, since he needs a healthy team. Thirteen says that he has nothing to worry about. If only.
At the magician's pad -- which is full of ugly things, since magicians never seem to live in a normal house with normal furnishings -- PS finds some weed. Kumar says that they should bag it for testing, because he wants to smoke up tonight. I'll bet he thinks he's so cool for doing a patient's drugs, but Cameron already did the meth thing so she is way more hardcore. While Kumar tells a fortune-telling machine he wants to be big, PS finds a cage of white bunnies and guesses that Flynn has tularemia, or rabbit fever. It explains all of his symptoms. Kumar just looks confused and stupid. He's just not believable as a doctor.
House enters Flynn's room with an IV bag full of tularemia cure. While setting it up, he tries to find out how Flynn did that trick with the card on the other side of the glass. The answer, I suspect, is camera magic, but Flynn refuses to tell. House says that he won't tell Flynn what's wrong with him unless he fesses up about the trick, but Flynn just says that the fun is in not knowing. With that, House grabs some scissors and snips Flynn's IV tube. "The fun is in knowing," counters House, and then shows Flynn that he just snipped a decoy tube, leaving the real IV line untouched. Hmph. Two seasons ago, House would have snipped the real line and left his patient to die. He's getting soft. House thinks that he's won this little round of magical derring-do until Flynn complains of a headache. He says that he can cure it himself, with the help of the Vicodin he stole out of House's pocket. Then he smiles like he did something impressive, but honestly, House has Vicodin coming out his ears, so it can't have been that hard to pluck a few pills off him without his knowing it. House is angry that his Vicodin has been violated, so he tells Flynn that he eats a lot of beets, uses an electric toothbrush, and doesn't sleep very much. He knows this because of the beet-colored stains on Flynn's teeth and the bags under his eyes. Flynn says that it was a lot cooler before House explained how he knew that, and insulted his teeth and eyebags. His audiences, Flynn explains, don't want to know how something happens. They want a "sense of wonder." "If the wonder's gone when the truth is known, there never was any wonder," says House. Enh, I know that magicians can't do real magic, but it still takes a lot of talent for them to make it appear that they do. Just because something can be explained doesn't make it unimpressive. House tells Flynn that he got tularemia from his rabbits, and will be fine after a few days on antibiotics.
Then House heads off to the pharmacy to get some more Vicodin, now that his old pills have been tainted by the hands of another. He notices Cuddy nearby, and takes advantage of her proximity to toss his pill bottle on the ground so that she can bend over to pick it up for him. When she does, the camera zooms in on her ass, which appears to be sans floss. Lisa Edelstein's ass has officially gotten more screen time than Chase. Please add it to the opening credits. "OH MY GOD!" House exclaims/announces to everyone within earshot. "You're not wearing underwear!" When he asks her about Cole, she blushes and runs away. "OH MY GOD!" House exclaims again, looking around the Clinic to see whether anyone else is as shocked as he is. No one is, since they're all doing their jobs and stuff.
House and Cole take the elevator. House stares at Cole before asking him how he got Cuddy's thong. House could not be more jealous. "Prayer, mostly," Cole says with a smile. He doesn't want to ruin the magic, he claims, and then the rest of the Numbers approach before House can get anything else out of him. Kumar joyously reveals that Flynn passed out and that they had to drain blood around his heart. Okay, Kumar? We've already ascertained that the guy is sick and you're not fired. You can stop being so happy that he's on death's door now. CTB says that the antibiotics aren't working, which rules out tularemia and any other infection. PS says that Cole might have botched the biopsy and caused the bleeding, but House warns him not to piss off the guy who'll be nominating two of them for elimination.
The group heads into House's office, where he tells them in disgusting detail that Cole "has traveled through the forest of crustaceans and brought us a treasure." Poor Cuddy. Isn't it bad enough that the entire hospital probably knows she isn't wearing underwear today? Must her embarrassing bout with pubic lice also be exposed? Cole asks whether he can take the immunity reward without having to nominate two people for firing, but House says that he can't get out of that. Then the Numbers get down to business, with CTB and Thirteen saying that Flynn could have gotten a clotting issue after his surgery. House asks what could cause that, and PS guesses cancer. Thirteen does not want Wilson to appear in this episode because it's all about her, so she immediately dismisses this possibility. Also, her hands are shaking a lot. DUN DUN DUNNNN! House sends them off to look for cancer in other parts of Flynn's body via another MRI of DOOOM! Twice in one episode? What a treat!
Cole tells Flynn to let them know if he's got anymore metal inside him before they start the test. Instead, Flynn says that his hands feel numb, and that he's sure he'll be dead by this time tomorrow. With that, Cole presses the button and slides Flynn in for another session with the MRI of DOOOM!, apparently to hasten the dying process. While the machine digests Flynn, Cole and CTB hang out in the booth. CTB takes advantage of this time to suck up to Cole and beg him not to nominate her by using reverse psychology. She says that if he nominates her, she'll understand, because she's a manipulative bitch who plays the game. Cole says that he likes her and tries to do his job. CTB keeps saying that she's a good doctor -- probably the best one there -- which should be the only criteria that matters when Cole makes his decision. Because it's the only criteria CTB's got. Except for the fact that she gave the entire Clinic pneumonia from that shower. With that, Cole finds bleeds all over Flynn's body. CTB notes that, so far, Flynn's death prediction is accurate.
Back from commercial, everyone's back in the classroom including Foreman, although that's probably only because Omar Epps stopped by the set to collect a paycheck and buy some discounted DVDs from the Fox employee store, only to have his unnecessary ass thrown into another scene. You'll note that Jennifer Morrison and Jesse Spencer were too clever to get caught and used as time filler this week. Good for them! Cole is freaked out by Flynn's death prediction. CTB attempts to suck up, saying that Flynn's death woes could be a symptom. House, on the other hand, says that Flynn was just being a typical charlatan magician: if he's wrong, he lives, and everyone forgets about his wrong prediction. If he's right, he dies, but goes out a legend. He can't lose! Except for the dying part. Kumar sticks with Cole's idea, saying that a sense of impending doom could be a symptom of tainted blood (cue Soft Cell) from his surgery transfusions. Foreman thinks that they're looking at amyloidosis, which has just joined vasculitis, lupus, and paraneoplastic syndrome in the PPTH Pantheon of Diseases It Is Not. And then everyone's pagers go off because Flynn is seizing. Kumar is sent to help him while the rest are ordered off to look through medical records for any indications of amyloidosis.
Kumar made sure to grab Cole to help him with Flynn, so that he can beg him not to nominate him for firing. Kumar reminds Cole of a bunch of stuff we had no idea he did, like babysitting Cole's kid and being Cole's friend. Meanwhile, these things have nothing to do with how good a doctor Kumar is. In fact, Kumar says that he's one of the worst doctors there and shouldn't be nominated, because Cole should be trying to eliminate the competition. With one last remark about taking Cole's kid to the zoo, Flynn starts seizing again, and his kidneys shut down. Despite this, Kumar takes a second to tell Cole that CTB is a racist. Okay, that was pretty funny. I'll give him that one.
While his patient dies, House plays foosball with Wilson in the lounge. He wonders whether Cole and Cuddy actually had sex. Wilson is more focused on House's attempt to "woo" Cuddy by forcing his employees to steal her underwear, which he understates is "creepy." I love it when Wilson brings the sense. House maintains that the panty raid was an "effective test," providing a defense to summer-camp-attending boys everywhere (do they still do panty raids? Did they ever? Not at the camp I went to, anyway, although that was probably because we were all too sick from the cake made out of mayonnaise they used to serve for dessert), and then Kumar and Thirteen enter the room to report that Flynn's kidneys are shutting down even though there's nothing in his history to indicate amyloidosis. Kumar thinks this means he was right about the tainted blood, but House says it doesn't explain Flynn's initial heart problem. He wants to start treating Flynn for amyloidosis, but, of course, that treatment is too dangerous to do without being absolutely sure the diagnosis is correct, as Wilson is quick to point out. Thirteen wants to go to the blood bank and check for contamination, and I'm sure they'll welcome her in there with open arms. Speaking of open arms, Thirteen holds her hand aloft for no reason other than for it to be super-visible to all when it shakes and she quickly hides it in her pocket. WHAT A MYSTERY! House gives them two hours to piss off the blood bank while Cole does some fat biopsy that will prove Flynn has amyloidosis. With that, House and Wilson return to their foosball game, and House tries to lie that his score is really high, but Wilson does not fall for it. He's long since learned to keep score in these games.
Now it's PS's turn to tell Cole not to fire him. He finds Cole in the lab, studying the results of the biopsy he was able to get without Flynn's bleeding out, unlike last time. PS hands him an ice cream sundae from the cafeteria, even though food is not allowed anywhere near labs. But he's saved the real bribe for an envelope full of money -- enough to pay for Cole's kid's school and the braces PS says he's going to need. How come everyone gets to see this kid except me? Forget all that crap about Thirteen and her shaky hands; I want to know what's up with Cole and where his kid's mother is. I want to know what Weird Beard is doing right now. I want to know what, exactly, pushed Random Guy to go crazy in the name of curing polio. These are all characters whose portrayers infuse them with enough life to make me care about their backgrounds and who aren't written to be perfect little Cam-clones I don't give a shit about. Just saying.
Meanwhile, Kumar and Thirteen are hanging out at the nicest blood bank I have ever seen, supervised by Foreman. Okay, so, when I worked at the hospital, I went to the blood bank a lot. It was this tiny room full of the same lab tables and equipment from the '60s that you'd find in the rest of the lab as well as my high-school science classrooms, but to me, it was a paradise. Because they let their employees play Solitaire on the computers. Meanwhile, I was back in the main lab with a computer that had Solitaire capabilities but faced out to the rest of the room, thereby making secret play impossible. The best room by far in that lab, by the way, was the cytology room, because they actually had windows. Unfortunately, their job was to examine pap smear slides all day, so they never got to really appreciate the sunlight. Plus, the cytology lab was staffed with old crones who told on me when I got a Sprite from the cafeteria and told the woman at the register it was water so I wouldn't have to pay for it. I know it was wrong, but I was protesting the recent price increase on the little peanut butter containers. Condiments are supposed to be free, people. Anyway, PPTH's blood bank is really nice, if dimly-lit, which would increase the chances of something going wrong there. House says that Flynn's biopsy came back inconclusive, so they'll have to biopsy some more organs to be sure. Unfortunately, that will cause massive bleeding. So House just wants to start treating Flynn for amyloidosis now and set up an appointment to irradiate his bone marrow. Thirteen protests that they need more time to test the tainted blood. Foreman agrees with her, overruling House. Yeah, he's been a little sensitive about unnecessarily irradiating someone's bone marrow ever since he killed that woman with a bra infection.
Fortunately, House has come up with a brilliant plan to test for tainted blood. He rolls up his sleeve and tells them to inject him with blood from the same donors who were used during Flynn's surgery. I'm not sure if that's even possible or accurate, since the blood could have been tainted after it came from the donor and before it was given to Flynn. But House is the same blood type as Flynn and he's got a death wish, so let's go!
Thirteen gets to set up the transfusion, which gives House the chance to ask her more about her stupid Mystery. He stole her wallet and saw a picture of a young woman in it he thinks is Thirteen's mother. The reason why she's so young in the picture, House guesses, is because she died young. That would also explain why Thirteen keeps a picture of her mother in her wallet. I mean, I love you and all, Mom, but I have to save my wallet space for the seventeen grocery-store club cards I have to get and my driver's license. Also, all my dollah dollah bills. Thirteen shrugs off her mother's death, saying Grover Cleveland is dead, too. Oh, but is he? Could this be leading up to a seven-episode story arc about a Zombie Grover Cleveland, played by special guest star James Gandolfini ? Or are we just going to learn more about stupid Thirteen, like how her mother's obituary, which House Googled (I guess he entered "Thirteen mother dead obit" and got lucky), said she died after a long illness that I'm sure was fought bravely. I'll bet it also said "Twenty-Nine leaves behind her loving husband, Fifty-Seven, and daughter, Thirteen."
House guesses Parkinson's took Twenty-Nine away, but Thirteen says it was what I guessed from the very start of the episode because I saw that episode of Everwood : Huntington's Disease, a fatal, degenerative disease that is so bad that even House looks sad and whispers a genuine "I'm sorry." Too bad he's not as sorry as he was curious. Thirteen says that she's resigning once this case is over, since she appears to have the disease, too. Not quite, House says: he's been replacing her regular decaf with caffeinated coffee to give her tremors even since she dropped that file, in an attempt to mindfuck her into telling him what's wrong with her. His plan worked perfectly, except for the fact that, in exchange for information, he's even more evil than before because he made Thirteen walk around thinking she had Huntington's. In reality, she doesn't even know if she has it, since she chose not to get tested. She has a 50% chance of inheriting Huntington's from her mother, but she says she'd rather not know since it makes her take chances she wouldn't normally take, like flying lessons and climbing Kilimanjaro. Why can't she do that stuff with a diagnosis? In fact, it's only with a positive test that I'd go sky-diving and bungee-jumping and all the other stuff I'm saving for my eighties when I won't feel stupid if I die from them. Anyway, the sharing time ends when Thirteen notices that House is sweating and has a fever. It looks like Tainted Blood. Don't touch me please, I cannot stand the way you teeeease!
After the break, House does indeed look sick as he hunches over a cup of tea, his hair sweaty and matted-down and his shirt buttoned up to the top, for some reason. The Numbers are trying to figure out what's wrong with him, but he says that it's just a normal reaction from the transfusion and won't let them biopsy him. The Numbers are more than a little frustrated; House told them to give him the blood so that if he got sick, they'd be able to figure out what it was and if he didn't, they'd know it was amyloidosis. Now he is sick, but won't let them touch him. House gets to his feet and notes that he's dizzy, and his mouth is dry. But it's not a symptom of tainted blood, he says: it's narcotics. He looks down at his cup of tea and wonders who spiked it before passing out rather violently, slamming into his desk on the way down.
The next time we see him, House is unconscious and strapped to a bed while Thirteen and Cole stick needles in him to get the biopsies they need. This is like that episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation when that planet full of clones stole DNA from Riker and Pulaski because they wanted some new faces. Geordi was there too, but they didn't bother taking his DNA because he's blind. Poor Geordi; always rejected. Even that bitchy engineer woman he created in the Holodeck wanted nothing to do with him. Cole asks Thirteen when she's going to ask him not to nominate her for firing. Thirteen says that he's fair enough to make the right decision. That's kind of what CTB said, too, but coming from Thirteen, it sounds like the beating of an angel's wings. She prepares House for a liver biopsy. He groans, and Cole decides to run out of there so as not to face his wrath when he wakes up.
House wakes up to find himself tied to the bed and missing parts of his lung and kidneys. Thirteen produces a huge, thick liver biopsy needle and approaches House, who asks her to numb the area first. "I forgot," she says, and stabs her boss, who groans in what must be some agonizing pain. Thirteen gets the sample and unties House, who accuses her of drugging him. She doesn't deny it, simply saying that she got him back for drugging her. With caffeine. Okay, but...how did she get the drugs? Don't you need a prescription for knock-out pills? And a patient to prescribe them to? And if not, does this mean that I can drug my boss and stab him when he's being an asshole to me? Because this week, I wanted to leave at my normal time but he made me stay for four more hours for no reason. It'd be great if I could drug his Coke and make my escape the next time this happens. Thirteen leaves with her samples, but her careless littering has left one behind -- hers. She stupidly left her DNA all over a bottle of water she was sucking from and didn't bother to throw out when she was done with. And you know what they say about litterbugs: they get tested for Huntington's disease without their knowledge or consent!
Later on, Wilson stops by House's office and reports that his "mutinous team" is "starting to worry about life on Pitcairn Island," since House's biopsies are clean thus far. They should worry about life on Pitcairn, too; after that mutinous Bounty crew landed there, all the Tahitian men they took with them got pissed off at the lack of women and rights and ended up slaughtering most of the crew. Bad times. Since the blood seems to be fine after all, Flynn has been scheduled for some bone-marrow irradiation. Then Wilson gets annoying and psychoanalyzingy and points out that House risked his life yet again by getting a transfusion of possibly tainted blood. House says that he would've made Foreman do it, but that House is the only one with Flynn's blood type. Wilson points out that AB is a very fitting type for House, since it's the one all other types can donate to. House says Wilson is Type O, making him the blood type that can donate to everyone else. I guess we know who gives and who receives in that relationship. Wilson just wants to know how House knows Wilson's blood type and what evil genius plan of his he tested Wilson's blood type for without Wilson's knowledge. This gives House an idea.
House leaves his office and intercepts Flynn's gurney as it's on its way to radiation treatment. House dismisses the nurse/orderly/whoever pushing the bed by saying that it's too late and Flynn is a dead man. They shrug and walk off in separate directions, as you would. Flynn is thrilled to bits that he'll go out having predicted his own death. House tells him that his magic secrets shouldn't go to the grave with him, but Flynn doesn't bite. He'll never tell how he did that card-on-the-other-side-of-the-glass thing. Once House is sure that there's no way he'll get the trick out of Flynn no matter how many lies he tells, he reveals that Flynn isn't dying after all. I guess this is House's week to make everyone think they're dying so he can get his jollies. He asks Flynn what his blood type is. "A," Flynn responds immediately. I have no idea what my blood type is. Off House's triumphant expression, Flynn asks him what's up. "It's way cooler to know," House says.
With that, House enters the radiation room and tells the waiting Numbers and Foreman that he solved the mystery: Flynn doesn't have amyloidosis. Good thing they weren't about to destroy his immune system unnecessarily, then. What Flynn does have is a circulatory system full of the wrong blood type, which caused all of his post-surgery symptoms. When they tested Flynn's blood type for the transfusion, they tested for antibodies. Even though Flynn is Type A, he had Type B antibodies in his blood, making it appear as though he was Type AB. And just what caused the B antibodies as well as Flynn's pre-surgery symptoms? An autoimmune disease, which caused his antibodies to, as Thirteen says, "go haywire." And which autoimmune disease does Flynn have? "I finally had a case of lupus!" House cheers. If only he hadn't chopped up his lupus textbook, he could've diagnosed this so much earlier. And if only the blood bank did proper blood type testing procedures, Flynn never would've been given the wrong blood type in the first place. Maybe they were too busy playing Solitaire to do their jobs that day, though. Oh well. House tells the Numbers to give Flynn the correct blood and some steroids and he'll be just fine, because lupus isn't a painful and potentially fatal disease with no cure or anything like that.
It's firing time! House enters with Cuddy's thong on a pillow, bowing down to Cole and offering him the thong. Cole takes it and states his nominations. First up is CTB, of course, who scoffs as she stands. House tells her not to be too surprised, since she's everyone's pick. Not mine! Cole's second pick is a surprise: Kumar, who stands, shocked. House asks Cole why he picked his friend, who even managed to perform well this week. Cole won't say, but does look ashamed. At this, House figures it all out: Kumar is a liability to PPTH, what with his setting patients on fire and electrocuting himself (unlike, say, House, who never electrocutes himself). An administrator would want that kind of liability to work somewhere else unless she were the one who hired him in the first place, in which case he can go around destroying things all he wants, punished by little more than a scathing look. Cole, House figures, made a deal with Cuddy. She gave him her thong in exchange for his nominating her firing choices. But why did she pick CTB? CTB is cool. I guess Cuddy is one of those women who hates other women. Those women are such slutty jealous bitches. House says that Cole managed to take his test of who could break the rules and not get caught and turn it into a way for Cuddy to influence House's hiring and firing decisions. For that, Cole is fired. Wow. That sucks for Cole, but it also makes a lot of sense. The thong contest really did have some merit after all. While the other Numbers -- including CTB, for whatever reason -- comfort Cole and say their goodbyes, a dejected Kumar walks out without looking back. Aw, poor Kumar. You can go to the zoo without your friend's kid, you know.
And since no episode is ever complete without a woman marching into House's office to accuse him of delving too deeply into her personal life, Thirteen marches into House's office to accuse him of delving too deeply into her personal life. She just got an envelope containing the results of a genetic test for Huntington's that she didn't order. House says that she's just afraid to know the truth, so he's doing her a real service by shoving it in her face. Thirteen says that anyone could die at any time. They don't have to know about it, so why should she? Then she accuses House of spending his life looking for answers because he thinks they'll change something. When he runs out of questions, he'll run out of answers...and hope. But also, he'll win the Final Jeopardy question and go onto the next round to compete against these challengers! Oh, wrong show. By the way, Alex Trebek sells his over-emphatic pronunciation of ethnic words better than Thirteen sells her lines here. I just can't care about her. There's, like, nothing there.
Thirteen leaves the office without opening the envelope. House thinks for a second, and then tosses it in the trash. Although I'm sure he only did that because he wanted to read the test results with his friend the Weird Night Janitor. I find it hard to believe that he'd respect Thirteen's privacy now after devoting an entire episode to ripping it apart. As for Thriteen, I don't understand how or why you'd want to go through life thinking you might have a fatal degenerative disease. If you don't have it, you've wasted a lot of time worrying. And if you do, you've wasted a lot of time not doing stuff you'd only do if you knew you were dying. Plus you put money in a retirement fund you could have used on heroin. Where's the magic in that?
What ails the staff at PPTH? We've got the diagnoses.