Whatever It Takes
Updated 2008-04-18 19:19:55
I have to open this recap with an apology -- it seems that last week's Giovannini's Mirror Syndrome was not, as I had assumed, totally made up. Reader Arthur just sent me an email with a link to the British Psychological Society's blog, where a case of a man with brain damage who mimicked the occupations of the people around him. A team headed by a Dr. Giovannina Conchiglia was studying this man, and I'm guessing that's where the show got it from. They called it a " Zelig -like Syndrome" after the Woody Allen movie, though. I guess they're fans of old men who marry their step-daughters. Anyway, my faith in the writers has been restored by this, and I'm sorry for doubting them in the first place. And it's my fault, really, as I had stopped reading the British Psychological Society's blog in favor of the Canadian Psychological Society's blog, which was closely monitoring depression in Canadians following the introduction of Lynn Johnston's hybrid For Better or For Worse comic strips.
Anyway, it's drag racing time at House ! Two racers prepare to square off against each other in a sport I simply do not understand. How does it require skill to put your foot on the gas pedal until you reach the finish line? I mean, in regular racing where they have to around a track and pass opponents and stuff, that takes skill. But drag racing seems like you could just wedge a stick between the gas pedal and the dashboard and get the same result. Oh well. The racer who is doomed to become the POTW is a young lady, who goes through her pre-race ritual with her manager/team owner/Dad where he feels like he's going to barf and asks her if she wants to go to law school and she answers that she hates lawyers (although she will probably like them a whole lot more at the end of this episode).
The "race" begins and we're thrown into a realm of CGI while our driver is thrown into a realm of vision problems, seeing the track in slow-motion looking all stretchy-like. Then she gets over it and finishes the race, winning and setting a record. The audience cheers wildly even though they've got to feel kind of stupid for paying money and spending their entire day getting to and from a race that lasted all of three seconds. The driver, Casey, does a post-race interview with a heftier Nick Warnock . What is this so-called "businessman" doing as an actor? Clinging onto the seconds of fame he has left, I suppose. As her dad drives up, Casey excitedly says it was the "coolest ride of [her] life." Then she starts having the vision problems again and passes out. Her dad runs over and tells someone to call an ambulance, although you can't see his face when he says this because the camera is zoomed in on his armpit for no reason.
Credits concluded, House enters the classroom looking thoroughly bored with medicine and life as he eats the lunch he stole from Wilson. The Numbers present him with potential cases. He dismisses them all for stupid reasons because the case he really wants is "Speed Racer," who is Random Guy's contribution. Random Guy explains that they have a woman with seizures and vision and hearing problems. House is only interested in what kind of car the patient drives, which Cole can't believe even though this is exactly the kind of thing he should know to expect from House at this point. Foreman can't believe House wants to take a case that looks like simple dehydration and heat stroke. And then some guy in a suit enters the room and asks for "Dr. House." The last time this happened, House got shot , so he wisely lies that he isn't House. Too bad, the man has a picture of him and wants to talk in private. Foreman and the Numbers all look smug for some reason. Maybe together they were able to amass the balls to report House to the medical ethics board. House leaves Foreman in charge ("I know," Foreman says with arrogance he doesn't really deserve to have), tells the Numbers to come up with some diagnoses, and leaves the room. PS immediately guesses the guy in the suit was a cop, to which 13 says he wasn't "packing." This sets off some guesses from CTB and Kumar as to 13's mysterious identity. They wonder if her father was a cop or a security guard. If I cared, I would guess grocery store bagboy. They know a lot about packing.
In the hall, we find out that the guy in the suit is a CIA agent, and he needs House's help because one of their "employees" just returned from an assignment and is sick, possibly from an assassination attempt like what happened to that guy in England. They just don't shoot people in the back of the head like they used to. House replies to this with the first of what will be his many lewd comments throughout this episode by asking the guy when he's going to start the CIA stripper dance and take off his pants. CIA guy assures him this is a not a joke and tells House to come with him if he wants to see proof.
House returns to the classroom, where the Numbers tell him their differentials for Casey. Foreman still thinks it's simple heat stroke. House grabs his coat and tells them to do a bunch of expensive tests on Casey, promising he'll be back in forty-five minutes. CIA guy brings him to PPTH's helipad, where he shows House some impressive proof: a big, black helicopter. Just like in those conspiracy theories!
Foreman and Random Guy check Casey out. While Foreman asks her questions, trying to figure out ways she could have become so dehydrated, Random Guy does a series of reflex tests on her and finds an "abnormal D-tendon reflex." I don't know what that is, but it doesn't sound good. Foreman tests it out himself and finds that the reflex is there, so there's nothing to worry about. Random Guy smugly insists that the reflex might be present, but it's still "abnormal." Meanwhile, Casey is lying right there during all of this and starting to look concerned. So when Foreman says he "guesses" her symptoms are the result of dehydration and heat stoke, she latches onto his use of the word "guess" and demands something more concrete than that. Foreman says he's "sure" it's just heat stroke, but they'll do an MRI just to be extra-special-careful. Random Guy doesn't seem convinced.
And in the CIA helicopter (actually, it looks like they transferred to a jet during their time off-camera), the delightful sounds of the classic tune "Whatta Man" by Salt-n-Pepa featuring En Vogue suddenly burst to life. The source is House's cell phone, and the song is his ring tone. I love this because my ring tone is "Push It," also by Salt-n-Pepa. One of these days they'll make a "None of Your Business" ringtone and I'll be set for life. CIA guy is annoyed that House lied to him that he didn't have a cell phone, but House insists this was a valuable tool for him to see if CIA guy knew if he was lying or not. CIA guy failed this test. House finally answers the phone. It's Foreman, who would like to know where House is. "I'm on a top secret mission for the CIA," House answers. Of course, Foreman doesn't believe him. He says all the tests came back normal. Random Guy hastens to add his amazing discovery of Casey's abnormal D-tendon reflexes, prompting House to guess Miller Fisher Syndrome. Foreman scoffs at this and says he's going to release Casey. He hangs up on House to take another phone call. It's 13, and she's also thinking Casey has Miller Fisher, based on her having another seizure with vertical nystagmus (like what that fat guy had, except up and down instead of side to side). The Magic Schoolbus Cam (god, it's been FOREVER and a day since we've seen you last, hasn't it?) zooms into Casey's eyeball to show some shorting out in her optic nerve and/or muscle. Sorry, the Magic Schoolbus Cam doesn't come with labels.
Once she recovers, Foreman and Random Guy are there to explain Miller Fisher Syndrome. Foreman says it could, in rare cases, cause respiratory failure. Casey's dad is also there, and he is played by Biff from Back to the Future (god, it's been FOREVER and a day since we've see you last, hasn't it?)! He freaks, while Casey is slightly annoyed to hear that she is not suffering from heat stroke after all, even though Foreman said he was "sure" that's all it was. Yeah, well, you also made him say he was sure, Casey. Another symptom of Miller Fisher Syndrome is extreme bitchiness, apparently, as Casey asks Foreman why she should trust his medical abilities now. Man, if she's this pissed after just one mistake, her head is likely to explode from rage by the end of this episode when Foreman's on his fourth or fifth mistake. Casey wants to see House. He's why she came to this godforsaken death trap in the first place! "You obviously don't have a clue what you're doing," Casey says, refusing to allow Foreman to do the plasmapherisis treatment for Miller Fisher Syndrome. Instead, she very productively starts ripping off all the wires and medical doodads she's tied to and demands to see House.
He's busy in the CIA, bemoaning their plain offices and saying they looked better on 24 . Too bad he won't be able to watch 24 during this TV season as long as the writers' strike keeps up! Although, surely, those studios have no idea how profitable this whole "new media" thing could be. They're investing their money into buying websites like this one for no reason and no expectation of profits, I'm sure. Anyway, when CIA guy leads House into an office containing one Michael Michele, House says he was mistaken. While she looked better on Homicide: Life on the Street and ER , she has yet to ruin 24 with her show-killing presence. She introduces herself as Dr. Samira Terzi, and she and her limp hair are pleased to meet House. He is pleased to stare at her boobs and pretend he's looking at the floor. She introduces House to some guy named Sidney Curtis, a doctor from the Mayo Clinic who will no doubt be butting heads with House for the rest of this episode of Dueling Diagnosticians. House greets his opponent by saying he's familiar with the guy's book about immunology as it's currently keeping his piano level. Round One goes to House! Then his phone rings, and everyone in the room has to keep themselves from dancing along to the ring tone. How they are all able to do this, I know not. When House sees "Cutthroat Bitch" is calling, he decides not to answer. I have to say, it's probably not a good thing for CTB that House has her number programmed into his cell. I unwisely gave my boss my cell phone number, and now he keeps calling me after hours with work questions. At least he hasn't called me to revive him after electrocuting himself by sticking a knife into an electrical socket. Yet.
Back at the office, CTB hangs up and the room wonders what they're supposed to do without House's sage guidance. Foreman paces in front of a rather hostile crowd. Random Guy angrily accuses him of making them all look like idiots in front of their patient. Okay, except that they kind of are, since no one knows how to convince Casey to submit to treatment and everyone's relying on House to think of a way. 13 Camerons that if House was here, he'd "pop a pill," insult them, and trick the patient. Clearly, then, the answer is to have Wilson put on a fake beard and go into Casey's room pretending to be House. Kumar actually suggests that, but Foreman angrily says that House isn't here, and the last thing they need to do is act like him. Because, apparently, the last thing Casey needs is to get better. Foreman finishes his sentence by acting just like House, leaving the room without saying another word.
Foreman returns to Casey's room and tries to be the anti-House by taking a seat at her bedside and admitting that he made a mistake about her diagnosis and was too quick to dismiss her symptoms. Now that he's sufficiently humble, he asks if they can start the plasmapheresis. Casey doesn't really answer since she's gone all feverish and delirious. Way to notice your patient was in distress there, Foreman.
Back at the CIA, Dr. Terzzzi says she'll try to provide House and Curtis with as much medical history as she can, although there might be some stuff that's classified. House makes a comment about alien autopsies, and Dr. Terzzzi spits right back at him that the X-Files are in the next wing. Except that they were in the FBI, not the CIA. Other than that, I see Dr. Terzzzi can give as good as she gets! She's like House's equal! The chemistry explodes across the screen! Oh no wait, I'm sorry -- I was talking about Cuddy. Curtis wants to know where in the world their patient has been so they can focus on environmental causes. Terzzzi tells him to assume "John" has been everywhere and, by the way, she's quick to point out, John is just a cover name! Okay, Terzzzi, we get it: you're in the CIA. Curtis asks what makes them think this is an assassination attempt. Dr. Terzzzi can't answer that. House asks if Lee Harvey Oswald had sex with Marilyn Monroe. Dr. Terzzzi smiles in spite of herself and the fact that that joke wasn't all that funny.
The three doctors enter the patient's room and we finally meet John. He is looking pretty bad these days. At least, I'm assuming that his peeling skin, sunken cheeks, and gray face are a result of his sickness. Curtis responds to this sight with a very professional "good LORD!" Dr. Terzzzi says John was perfectly healthy five days ago. "Cool," House says.
And back at PPTH, Foreman scribbles Casey's new symptoms on the Whiteboard and asks for new diagnoses, as Casey's fever rules Miller Fisher out. CTB immediately dials House on her cell phone, to which Foreman says she won't get hired by calling him the most. PS guesses lupus, and CTB says she agrees with the "little man." Meanwhile, CTB is like six foot five, so almost every man is little to her. PS accuses her of flirting with him, because who doesn't try to get a man's interest with a disparaging remark about his tiny size? Foreman doesn't think it's lupus anyway, as it hasn't affected Casey's kidneys. He goes with the MS diagnosis instead, even though Random Guy points out they didn't see any plaques on her MRI that indicate that. Foreman says the MRI was "inconclusive," which I'm sure Casey's health insurance company was just thrilled to bits about when they had to pay out for something that told the doctors absolutely nothing. Random Guy challenges Foreman rather aggressively, saying this is the third thing Foreman's been "sure" Casey has, and the other two have been proven wrong. Foreman ignores him and tells the Numbers to start Casey on interferon. Kumar says they won't "score any points" with House just by doing what Foreman tells them to. Because it's all about your job, Kumar. That's why you became a doctor, right? To score points to win a job working for an asshole who hates you. Not, say, to help and treat the sick. 13 asks if it would hurt Casey if they could run tests before he starts treating her for the MS. Well, if you're running any invasive tests, then, yes, it would. Even if it's as simple as a blood draw. And it'll certainly hurt her health insurance rates. And since Foreman agrees to give them three hours before he starts the interferon, then it's delaying Casey's treatment, which is also hurting her.
Back at the CIA, where everything is super-intense thanks to the frequent a steadicam shots of Dr. Terzzzi walking purposely down the hall with House and Curtis at her heels, Terzzzi says they've run a bunch of tox screens and tested for all kinds of other environmental stuff. Everything's been negative. Curtis notes that John ate a lot of chestnuts recently. House scoffs at this fact being at all important, but Curtis points out that poisonous horse chestnuts look like regular chestnuts. House says that they taste a lot different, so he doubts that John would accidentally eat enough of them to get sick. Dr. Terzzzi makes sure to stare at House lovingly. Very subtle.
House demands to know where John was last, saying if they don't know what kind of environmental factors they're dealing with, there's no point in having him or Curtis there. Dr. Terzzzi's steadfast resolve not to tell them classified information crumbles instantly and she reveals that John was in Bolivia for the last eleven months. House tries to wrap his mind around who's in Bolivia for the CIA to assassinate aside from his former housekeeper, who has it coming because "cleaning the windows means cleaning both sides. Am I right or am I right?!" House demands that last part of Curtis, who looks disgusted. I guess he doesn't like dirty windows either. Anyway, House has the entire case figured out: John has pancreatitis brought on by excessive alcohol consumption. This does not explain John's gross fingernails or skin burns, however. House says they're simple fungal infections and sunburns, although I have seen sunburns before and they never looked like John. I have also seen pancreatitis, and it's fairly easy to diagnose with lab tests. If it's severe enough, you can diagnose it just by looking at the patient's blood serum, which is all milky and pink from the fats he can't dissolve. I guess the CIA medical lab doesn't have those simple tests, though. Or eyes. Curtis, by the way, thinks they're looking at an assassination attempt from a group with the resources to create an untraceable radioactive isotope. You know, if you have the resources to make something like that, why not use them to cure cancer or something instead, spies? Come on now. Terzzzi goes with Curtis' diagnosis because it's a lot cooler.
Curtis starts an IV with crazy radioactive isotope treatment while House stands by, prodding John to admit he's an alcoholic. John says he doesn't drink, but House doubts the honesty of someone who lies to his friends and family to conceal his true identity. Then he asks John why, when Ginger used poison lipstick to kill Gilligan, she wasn't poisoned either. Wow, I don't remember that episode of Gilligan's Island . I always thought Ginger and Gilligan were friends. :-(
Kumar makes a big production out of reading the test results. The LP (they did an LP on Casey as part of their "harmless" tests? Well, I'm sure if was one of those completely painless LPs) was negative for Cole's diagnosis of meningitis. Cole doesn't care. The fat pad biopsy that sounds totally pain-free was negative for amyloidosis, and 13 goes down in flames. 13 overacts her surprise and disappointment to be proven wrong. Cole interrupts to ask if Kumar can hurry up with his annoying presentation because he has to pick up his son. CTB immediately asks if she can have a kid, too, so she can get out of work. Because kids aren't work. PS volunteers his services to help CTB achieve this goal, to which she says she'd go for it if she had two minutes and some anti-nausea meds. She is the worst flirt ever. Foreman grabs the results and reads that they look positive for MS. Kumar points out that they also look positive for lupus, but Foreman doesn't care about that. He's convinced it's MS and orders them to treat Casey for that. Foreman and the Numbers leave the room, leaving CTB and PS behind to plot. They both still think Casey has lupus. CTB says it's time for a trip to the ER.
They show the test results to Cameron, who says "it could be lupus," but she's not going to help them "sell" anyone "down the river." Nice lingo, Cameron. Just because you've gone all blonde bombshell on us doesn't mean you get to talk like you're in a film noir. They insist that Foreman is treating Casey for something she doesn't have just because his ego won't let him admit he's wrong. CTB appeals to Cameron's self-hating nature by saying they're asking her to do what she does best and what everyone else hates her for -- put the patient above everything else. Cameron sighs and says that "all House cares about is results," i.e. do what you have to do to screw over Foreman. As long as you're right, House will approve.
Some time later, Foreman is pleased that Casey's fever has been reduced since starting the treatment. Only problem now is that he doesn't know which treatment worked, since CTB and PS admit to secretly slipping Casey steroids for lupus when no one was looking. Foreman is understandably pissed off to hear this, but is interrupted when Biff calls him back to Casey's room, where the patient reports that she can't feel or move her legs. CTB and PS make "oops!" faces. Personally, I think Casey's paralysis stems from that unnecessary lumbar puncture. Oops indeed.
And House is at John's bedside, greedily munching away on some chicken. Terzzzi and Curtis enter and are pleased to note that John's vitals have improved and the treatment appears to be working. House celebrates by asking Terzzzi, with a mouth full of chicken, if she wants to hop in a jet and "take a little trip down Mexico way -- and I'm not talking about the country OR the plane." I don't know what he's talking about, then, other than it has to do with having sex. Terzzzi asks House if he thinks "acting like an idiot" and crudely talking about sex works on "girls." Meanwhile, the actress who plays Terzzzi is forty-one. Really more of a "woman" than a "girl." Curtis interrupts the two to gloat that he was totally right about the isotopes and House was wrong. Not so, says House -- for he is cleverly treating John for pancreatitis with the antibiotics Curtis gave him and by eating his lunch ("withholding nutrients," is what House calls his stealing), as well as taking John off of the drugs Curtis was giving him that wouldn't help pancreatitis. Curtis is outraged. John doesn't seem to care, but that's because he's gone unresponsive. House thinks this is a good moment to joke that John must be overwhelmed with gratitude. It's kind of weird to see a guy who's supposed to be a brilliant doctor who cares about his profession above all else make jokes in the face of a dying patient whose condition House appears to have just made a lot worse.
Back from break, everyone's back in the conference room and Foreman's taking a moment to stare CTB and PS down. I would have stared them down, too, except it would have been their retreating backsides I was looking at as I kicked them out of the hospital for defying my orders like that. Kumar tries to be cute and suggests writing Casey's new symptom on the Whiteboard. Foreman says he can't, since they don't know if it's a symptom or the result of CTB and PS giving her steroids at the same time as the interferon. Apparently, this can fry one's immune system. WOW, nice going CTB and PS. If they really thought it was lupus, they should've disconnected her from the interferon. If they weren't sure enough to do that, then they shouldn't have treated for the lupus at all. Treating her for both at the same time and frying her immune system is not what House would have done. CTB defends herself by saying they did consult an immunologist (who looked at the chart for all of one second and is currently working as an ER doctor and not an immunologist), and Foreman immediately figures out who she's talking about. He's pissed to hear that Cameron told them to undermine him, but 13 says they should get back to the medicine for now and stop watching Foreman "spank" CTB and PS for their mistake. Hey, guys, do you think maybe 13 is into spanking? Or maybe her abusive dad used to spank her. Oh, wait, I don't care.
Foreman yells that medicine is the last thing any of the Numbers care about, and he's right. Instead of continuing on his little tirade, though, he calms down and tries to be the anti-House by saying that they aren't bad doctors or people, but House has pitted them all against each other and acting like this is not going to help themselves or their patients. CTB points out that it will help "whoever wins," but she's the only one still into House's game for now, as the rest of the team resumes differential diagnosing. PS guesses botulism. Random Guy guesses polio. You can almost hear the record scratch there. PS laughs that they should look for either FDR's remains or a time machine in Casey's house. I don't see why she can't have both. By the way, if they do check for a time machine, they should be sure to check Biff's garage for a Delorean. CTB says Casey has been vaccinated for polio, and 13 points out that there hasn't been an American case of polio in twenty years. Hey, guys -- maybe 13 is related to Jonas Salk, inventor of the polio vaccine????? Such mystery! I'm at the edge of my seatzzzzzzzzzz. Random Guy insists that he's seen polio in his Doctors Without Borders travels and this is what it looks like. He adds that if House was here, he'd believe him. Foreman tells Random Guy he can take his attitude and go find House, then, because while Foreman can't fire Random Guy, he can certainly kick him off the case. With that warning hanging in the air for the Numbers to absorb, Foreman says he's going to start treating Casey for botulism while the Numbers search her house for food contaminated with a magical botulism that doesn't cause barfing or the shits.
Back at the CIA, Curtis wants House arrested and thrown in jail for prolonging John's agonizing radiation sickness by stopping the treatment. House responds to this by giving John even more pain as he pulls his hair. But this is actually helpful, as John's hair stays in John's scalp, proving that it's not radiation poisoning. If it was, House says, John's hair would be coming out in clumps. Since it isn't, House knows John has blood cancer. Curtis still thinks it's radiation poisoning. Terzzzi, who apparently got her medical degree out of a cereal box, asks if they can treat John for both conditions at the same time. No, says House. Terzzzi also apparently got her decision-making skills out of that same cereal box, as she decides to go with House, the guy who stole the patient's lunch and switched his meds without telling anyone for a diagnosis that ended up being wrong. House waves his victory in Curtis' face by saying either Terzzzi really likes him or she really hates Curtis. "And I got a ride in the jet!" he crows. Curtis just looks like he's wondering if Terzzzi really does hate him, and why she would. Poor Curtis.
Cameron goes to check on one of her ER patients, making her the only doctor in any ER to ever do so. Instead of her patient, though, she finds Foreman, who says he decided to send Cameron's patient home. Cameron says her patient had the worst headache of her life and needed to be checked for an aneurysm. Foreman shrugs that he's a neurologist and he decided she had a migraine. Now he sees that when he messes with other people's patients, he looks like an "officious bitch." OH!!!! Nice one, Foreman. Too bad your actual patient is kind of dying still. Foreman leaves, and we see that he did not send Cameron's patient home after all. He just sent her off to get a urine sample and prove his point.
Cameron goes running over to Chase to tell on Foreman. Chase's response isn't exactly sympathetic to her cause. "It's funny," he says, trying to scrub up for an upcoming surgery. How come every time we see Chase he's in the middle of or about to enter surgery, but every time we see Cameron she's just standing around the ER doing nothing? Interesting. Cameron thinks what Foreman did was immature, and that she doesn't deserve "shame" and "ridicule" for offering a consult. Chase quite rightly points out that Cameron's consult undermined Foreman's authority. "It's what House would've done!" Cameron says. Chase rolls his eyes and says that Cameron cares way too much about House's team for someone who isn't on it anymore. Seriously, she's like the person who graduates high school but keeps coming back to visit. Gotta grow up sometime, Cams. Cameron responds to this by sprinkling water on Chase's freshly scrubbed hands, thereby contaminating them and forcing him to re-wash. Bye, Chase! See you for two seconds next week!
Terzzzi and House hook John up to whatever they're treating him with now. Task complete, House suggests they go back to Terzzzi's pad and practice some torture techniques. Even though Terzzzi said women aren't impressed by talk like this, she's clearly smiling, so, which one is it, Terzzzi? She says that if House cures John she'll "show him [her] private waterboard." House smiles dumbly at this. Terzzzi says they need to consult an oncologist about John's chemo. These people can't do anything themselves. Fortunately, House knows just the oncologist.
He calls Wilson and asks for the chemo protocol on blood cancer. Couldn't they have just looked it up on Wikipedia? Weak excuse to give Wilson something to do this week. If you really want him to be involved, how about not casting twenty people in the show, thereby taking time away from the original cast members? Honestly, I can't imagine Jesse Spencer or Jennifer Morrison staying with the show next season if their parts stay this small and useless. Wilson asks House where he is, to which House truthfully responds he's doing a consult for the CIA. Of course, Wilson doesn't believe him, so House tells him to call "Langley" and dial 3578, as Terzzzi has the numbers to every phone in the building memorized. House hangs up on Wilson and tells Terzzzi he has "a position available on [his] penis." Ha ha ha, you see, he meant "staff." But the joke's on him and the rest of us, as Terzzzi takes this to mean that House is offering her a job. Here's a clue, Terzzzi: if the word "penis" is involved, it's not a job offer. Or at least, not one that you want. But House maintains that at PPTH, the pay is better (it pays more to be a fellow than the CIA's lead doctor??? Okay...) and they've only had one assassination attempt that everyone's forgotten about anyway. I guess we aren't counting murderous elderly volunteers, pill-dropping doctors of mystery, doctors who zap the bone marrow of patients with simple bacterial infections, or doctors who stab other doctors with needles infected with a deadly disease as assassins. Terzzzi tries to prove that she knows something about something by saying that House must be a great person to work for, considering that all three of his fellows walked out at the same time a few months ago. I think House's behavior around you up until now could've given you the same conclusion, Terzzzi, but good for you doing your research. House, on the other hand, looks totally shocked that the CIA would have done a background check on him before bringing him in. I guess he figured they just happened to have that photo of him lying around?
The phone rings. It's Wilson, who's amazed that House really is working for the CIA. House says they have a satellite aimed at Cuddy's vagina right now, even though House told them the chances of invasion were slim to none. But...but...wasn't she on the verge of getting pregnant when House took away her birth control pills last week? And now House is saying she's not getting any sex? Anyway, Wilson tells House how to administer John's chemo, then starts getting all worried that the CIA did a background check on him as well as House. House says he's sure they know that Wilson brought heroin back from Afghanistan, and Wilson panics, sputtering that that's not true and he's never been to Afghanistan. Methinks thou doth protest too much, Wilson. I kinda love how paranoid he is of the CIA. Too bad we'll never find out anything more about it.
Casey's not getting much better, and Biff is starting to worry that she doesn't have botulism and Foreman is treating her for yet another condition she doesn't actually have. Foreman calmly says Biff just needs to be patient -- the antitoxin needs time to work. Then he's called outside by Random Guy, who's waving a paper full of test results in Foreman's face. He tested Casey for polio behind Foreman's back because Foreman has absolutely no way of controlling any of these doctors so they're just running around, willy-nilly, testing and treating Casey to their hearts' content. By the way, Casey has polio. "Now what, boss?" Random Guy snarks. Well, I'd say a call should be placed to the CDC.
Cuddy marches into Wilson's office, demanding to know where House is. Don't you have more pressing issues right now, Cuddy? Like the polio outbreak in your hospital? But she continues that House has blown off four hours of Clinic duty even though he rarely has to do any Clinic duty at all anymore and I miss it. Wilson can't think of a good lie to cover for his friend, so he tells Cuddy that House is consulting for the CIA. But when he tells Cuddy the phone number that will prove it, he can't remember it. Cuddy says House now has eight hours of Clinic duty to do -- and for protecting him, Wilson has sixteen. Wilson weakly asks why he's being punished more than House is and Cuddy says it's because Wilson might learn something, whereas House never will. I'd say Wilson's learned at least one thing: write phone numbers down.
House checks on John. He feels like crap and his hair is falling out. But it's too soon for it to be because of the chemo...which means Curtis was right all along. Oops face!
Instead of celebrating House-style by making crude suggestive comments and stealing people's food, Curtis just yells at House and accuses him of murdering John, it's too late for the treatment to save him. Terzzzi comes to the defense of the man who's been pathetically coming on to her all episode and says that yelling won't help anything right now. Curtis points out that nothing will help John. House's "reckless foolishness" plus Terzzzi's inexperience and inability to make a decision equals one dead CIA agent. Or does it? House mutters a string of syllables, then explains it's an herbal treatment that has something to do with fungus and caterpillars. Tests have shown that it, along with a bunch of other syllables, has been shown to mitigate bone marrow damage from radiation poisoning. In monkeys. As this is not followed by an invitation to Terzzzi to spank House's monkey, you know he means serious business.
Back at PPTH, Foreman is in self-hate mode. He apologizes to the Numbers for not being open-minded to their suggestions. 13 says nothing's going to help Casey now that she has polio. Hmph! If FDR felt like this, we'd have one less President. And where would our country be without the New Deal? Nowheresville, that's where! I say we fire 13 for being a quitter. But Foreman sadly agrees with her. PS points out that Foreman didn't care this much when they thought it was his and CTB's mistake that made Casey sick. Very helpful, PS. Go fix a wrinkle. Random Guy has a suggestion: Vitamin C. Looks like someone's been reading the medical textbook written by my grandmother, Vitamin C: It Cures Everything. EVERYTHING. ["Your grandmother is totally wise, because: IT DOES." -- Joe R ] Actually, Random Guy cites some tests done in the fifties that were never completed once they lost funding, presumably since the invention of a vaccine meant only cripples had to worry about polio now and no one cares about them. Random Guy says it's worth a try, now that they have nothing to lose. Foreman scoffs at this, having learned nothing about his crappy attitude towards other people's crazy ideas.
John's getting an "experimental treatment." It's tea. John guesses he's dying, and House admits that he probably is.
Foreman and Random Guy tell Biff about the experimental drug they want to try -- Vitamin C. Biff is skeptical, but it could be worse. They could be playing the music of Vitamin C, which sucks. Foreman points out that it's unlikely they'll get results from this treatment, while Random Guy tells Biff not to give up.
John drinks more caterpillar fungus tea and says his nausea has gotten better. Ever the optimist, House says that's because in the course of radiation poisoning, you get better right before you get worse. John asks House if he wants to know what John "really did" in Bolivia. House says he does, but only if it's interesting. You know, House, you did kill the guy. The least you could do is listen to his boring stories. And so, John tells House about a dance women do for the Carnival. It's called the "Devil Dance." Oooh, that's going to get me two points in my next Scattergories game. House proclaims this "not interesting." I call it "probably using what was supposed to be a business trip for pleasure purposes." John continues that he spent all forty days of Carnival with the attaché of the Minister of Defense. I thought he was talking about a suitcase, but it was actually a woman who was all button-down and serious -- except when she was doing the Devil Dance. John starts saying that she agreed to tell him "stuff," but then he retches in pain right when the story was getting good. House urges John to confess his sins, because he's nosy like that. John says he deserves this pain, citing what happened to that attaché when her government found out what she told him, but House doesn't care anymore -- he's just figured out what's wrong with John. For reals this time! "Do you have any idea what a chestnut looks like?" he asks.
And with that, he marches into Terzzzi's office, looks directly at her, and says, "You idiot ." "Who are you calling an idiot?" Terzzzi asks. Well, it's not the paperweight on your desk, Terzzzi, so I'm guessing it's you. Actually, it's not, as it turns out that Terzzzi didn't know what House just figured out -- that John wasn't stationed in Bolivia, he was stationed in Brazil. House spins around and sees CIA guy from the beginning of the episode and calls him the idiot for lying about where John was. CIA guy shrugs, saying Bolivia and Brazil are the same region with the same parasites and diseases. But not, House points out, the same language. Or the same Carnival, as Bolivia's is only eight days long and Brazil's is forty, which is how House figured out where John really was. Good thing House has a mental list of all Carnivals worldwide, including their start and end dates for this, and the next ten, calendar years. Anyway, as House knows from his extensive knowledge of Portuguese, Brazil nuts there are called " castanhas-do-Paŕa ." This translates to "chestnuts from Para." Which means that John didn't eat chestnuts, as that report that Curtis picked up on earlier said -- he ate Brazil nuts. CIA guy doesn't think that's a big deal until House says Brazil nuts contain selenium, which can be toxic in large doses. Symptoms of selenium poisoning include all of John's symptoms (except for the skin peeling, which I couldn't find any mention of), indicating that John ate a shitload of Brazil nuts over a long period of time. It's called moderation, John. Geez. Although I don't know why John has to pay for eating Brazil nuts for eleven months while House has been abusing Vicodin for way longer than that and all that's happened to him so far was he had trouble peeing once. CIA guy makes an "oops!" face and asks if selenium poisoning is treatable. House says they were actually already treating John with that string of syllables (not the caterpillar one, the other one), which works better on nut poisoning than radiation poisoning. CIA guy doesn't see a problem, then. "You're an idiot," says the woman who couldn't figure anything out on her own.
Calcium deficiency as a result of massive doses of Vitamin C is making Casey shiver. On the plus side, she can feel her legs again. Random Guy just cured polio, but he calmly says, "This is fantastic" with a small smile.
House wraps up his time with Terzzzi by saying she should work under him and he could teach her a lot, sexually. "I can kill a man with my thumb" she says. Too bad she couldn't cure one with her entire body. Flirty smiles are exchanged, and Curtis echoes my annoyance by asking Terzzzi how a smart and capable woman like her can lower herself to flirting with a drug-addicted crude asshole. I mean, I like House and all, but he's no dreamboat. He's best in small doses. Like Brazil nuts, apparently. House says he gets the girl because he was right. "That doesn't mean everything," Curtis says. I think John would disagree. "It means a lot," Terzzzi says. She thanks them for the help (i.e. doing her job for her) and she shoots House a lingering glance as Curtis gets in the elevator to go back to the Mayo Clinic where everyone plays by the rules and no one hates him. Good luck, Curtis! House is too transfixed by Terzzzi to get in the elevator with him, so he's forced to jump into it as the door is closing and make a racket out of forcing it back open for him. I'm sure his ride with Curtis wasn't at all awkward.
Cameron finds Foreman brooding in the doctor's lounge. Somehow, she hasn't heard about the miraculous cure for polio that was discovered right within PPTH's walls. It's like no one cares anymore, you know? Cameron did, however, discover some humility and self-realization, which is nice. She says that while she's happy she "changed jobs," she also knows she'll never have the same "excitement" she had as a Cottage. Excitement that included, as she admits, being stabbed with a contaminated needle by her own dying co-worker. Wow, that's almost as much fun as the time I went to eat my frozen meal for lunch at my job, only to find that someone else had stolen it, leaving me lunch-less. Fond memories indeed. "I miss people doing whatever it takes to get the job done," Cameron says. Um...how about, instead of missing your old job that did that, why don't you do that in your new job in the ER, WHICH SHOULD ALREADY BE DOING THAT BY THE WAY. What the hell kind of hospital is Cuddy running here? An ER filled with people who half-ass their patient's treatment? A diagnostic department whose definition of full-assing it includes subjecting patients to numerous painful, expensive, and unnecessary tests? Wilson? Come on! At least Cameron can admit that she's having trouble giving House up, and that's why she messed with his case. Foreman says if the Numbers hadn't screwed with him, Casey would have died. Cameron pep-talks Foreman that while he'll never get everything right, he won't get everything wrong, either. Tell that to Lupe of the Bra Infection!
House returns to PPTH after a two-day absence. Kumar proudly tells him that "we" cured Casey's polio with Vitamin C. Uh, no, you didn't, Kumar. Random Guy did. House finds this hard to believe, and Foreman enters with some proof that will make it even harder. He tested Casey's blood that was drawn when she was admitted to PPTH -- and it was negative for polio. That means, Foreman says, that Random Guy screwed up his lab test. I guess the results said "poliNo," and he misread them. But, CTB points out, Casey is walking out of PPTH, so she was cured of something somehow, right? Foreman says it could be one of those fun intermittent diseases, like porphyria. House doesn't think so. Foreman asks if House would rather believe that Random Guy cured polio with Vitamin C. House says it's either that, or someone poisoned Casey with thallium to give her the same symptoms as polio, then faked her lab tests to say she had it. Then he'd have to stop the poisoning when the Vitamin C was administered, thereby making it seem like the Vitamin C cured her. House says that's rather complicated, although, come to think of it, "it is rather doable, right?" He looks at Random Guy when he says this, then asks if they should test Casey for thallium. The Numbers get horrified expressions on their faces. Classroom time has just gone horribly wrong. "You poisoned her?!?" 13 asks, a bit slow to catch on. Yes, Casey really was just suffering from heat stroke after all. It was only after Random Guy started poisoning her with thallium that she got new symptoms.
Caught, Random Guy turns into CRAZY Guy as he hisses through clenched teeth that he's seen Vitamin C cure polio out in Without Borders land. But without a First World lab with First World controls, he couldn't prove it. And no one's going to pony up funds for a Third World disease. CRAZY Guy marches up to House and insists that this was the right thing to do -- now research into Vitamin C polio cures will get funding. Wow. He couldn't have applied for a grant? Really? Where is this insanity coming from? Random Guy seemed so normal last week. The Numbers sit there, silent, jaws agape. This is awkward. CRAZY Guy doesn't get the hint, saying that he faked one lab test in order to save thousands of lives. "I did what I HAD TO DO!" he insists; "isn't that what you hired us for?" He looks desperately, pleadingly, at House, who nods solemnly and says he won't fire CRAZY Guy. But CRAZY Guy will quit. "Get out of here," House says, barely concealing his disgust. CRAZY Guy takes his thallium and leaves. And we all thought the Mormon was the fanatic. Foreman asks House if he's going to let CRAZY Guy get away with this. Absolutely not, House says; he's just appeasing him and waiting for him to get far, far away from them before they call the cops. "The guy's a nut job!" House puns, before demanding to know who he left in charge of this mess. The Numbers quickly point at Foreman, but House's next words aren't what they or Foreman or I expect: "There's a reason for that. Next time, listen to him." I'm amazed and almost touched at this show of faith in Foreman. At the same time, it's House fault for creating such a competitive and hostile work environment that would prompt the Numbers to circumvent Foreman in the first place. Also, he hired a CRAZY guy.
House is on his way out when Cuddy starts yelling at him, asking him where's he's been. House tries to distract her by mentioning her crazy employee who poisoned a famous drag racer patient, but Cuddy cuts him off to say that if House doesn't get someone from the CIA to call and confirm House's story, he's going to do eight Clinic hours and Wilson's doing sixteen. Yeah, because House really cares if Wilson gets punished because of his actions. House says he was in the Hamptons, treating a gajillionaire whose son had the sniffles. Cuddy nods. "For your honesty, I will forgive your hours," she says. She waits for House to turn around to leave again before dropping the other shoe: "the only thing less likely than your helping the CIA is your helping some rich guy in Long Island. You're doing your hours AND Wilson's!" "I know how to kill a man with my thumb," House says. "Who doesn't?" Cuddy tosses over her shoulder. And THAT'S how it's done, Michael Michele! Watch and learn! Meanwhile, Cuddy might think she's all that, but she also didn't know that a helicopter landed on her hospital or that one of her employees went insane and almost killed a high-profile patient. Not to mention those hours when they thought they found a cure for polio. Oops!
And just when you think we're done, House steps outside PPTH to find Terzzzi waiting for him. "I'm going to take you up on your offer," she says. And despite his false bravado and sexual boasting, when confronted with the actual possibility of sex, House is at a loss for words. Terzzzi lets him embarrass himself stammering out that his apartment is close by before she adds that she meant the job offer. She quit the CIA and wants to work for a disgusting pig whose job offer didn't really seem all that serious, seeing as the offer actually was for her to sit on his penis. Anyway, it's good news for Michael Michele, I guess. Bad news for me, since I've gotten to know the Numbers and I don't want to see yet another position be lost to them. Why did I even bother caring if none of them are going to stick around?
What ails the staff at PPTH? We've got the diagnoses.