Games
Updated 2008-04-18 19:19:55
We're hanging out in the mostly-black-and-white alley. A bunch of grey-skinned guys hang out, looking bored and wielding instruments, except for what must be their lead singer. He encourages camaraderie within his band by taking one member's fancy new guitar and scratching it up, saying it's just a "hunk of wood," so it should look like one. Watching a musical instrument get scraped up like that hurts my soul. It ends up hurting the lead singer's face, too, as his guitarist responds by smacking him in the face with the instrument. Some guy comes out and calls them to the stage, and the singer says he feels like going on now that his nose is broken and his jaw is dislocated. He only makes it to the doorway before throwing up blood and other assorted bits and then coughing until he passes out.
After the credits (which are surely due for a change in the next episode, since this one promises to be the one where House finally hires his new team. I'll miss you, original credits!), we go back to the basics, as House is watching a General Hospital -like show in the doctor's lounge, complete with a nurse with impossibly huge hair and standard soap-opera music. By the way, I believe that nurse just got more lines than Chase has had all season. House's fun is soon interrupted when Cuddy intrudes and demands to know which two Numbers House is going to hire. House says he can't do it without a new case, to which Cuddy replies that he's had two months worth of cases to narrow down his choices. If he doesn't make them by Friday, their pay will come out of his check. House doesn't care about that, since he gets all of his money from Wilson anyway. So Cuddy threatens to move his parking space to the dreaded "E" lot. That gets results. I wonder what's so bad about the E lot? Maybe it has dragons.
House heads for the ER to hunt for a new patient. Cameron says she's got one guy who will be dead within the next ten minutes, all smiles like she's proud of this fact. Uh, Cameron? You might want to, like, tend to that dying guy instead of standing around waiting for House to show up and make it seem like you have a role on this show. Maybe you can help him survive, or at least be there for him when he passes. Did I mention he doesn't have any family or friends? You used to love that stuff! Cameron says there's no one there to interest House, so he asks her whom she thinks he should hire. She figures he'll fire whomever she recommends and won't name anyone. Then a voice calls out from behind a curtain demanding turn-down service. Cameron introduces House to Jimmy Quidd from the pre-credits, a self-professed "punk-rock star" whose unhealthy way of life has created what House calls a "diagnostic heaven," what with his many symptoms, a bloodstream full of drugs, and his chronic lies. If he doesn't work as a patient, he can at least be House's new best friend.
House heads for the classroom and tells the Numbers that Jimmy will be their final case. Whoever gets the diagnosis right is hired, and a runner-up will be chosen "strictly on some definition of merit," i.e., Thirteen gets hired because she's hot. The Numbers jump to it with diagnoses. Kumar goes for endocarditis, Thirteen guesses hemorrhagic lesions in the lung and "gut," which I was not aware was a part of the human anatomy, CTB tries some kind of lung problem resulting from chain smoking, and PS comes up with...endocarditis. House tells PS to think of something else. Even though no one asked her, Thirteen chimes in with bacterial meningitis, so PS takes that one. So far, PS isn't making himself look like such a great hire, here. House starts to send them off to run their tests, but Foreman objects, saying the only thing wrong with Jimmy is that he's a drug addict. House says Jimmy has too many drug-addict-related symptoms for it to be just that. It's just too perfect, House says. Perhaps Jimmy has framejobitis! Foreman's second objection is that Jimmy is too weak to survive all of the tests the Numbers' diagnoses will subject him to, not like that ever stopped House before. But House relents, saying they'll do one test for each diagnosis, one at a time. CTB steps forward to plead her case for the first test and immediately loses two points. House says it doesn't matter who goes first, since only one of their diagnoses can be right. Maybe, but I'd think you'd want to test the one it's most likely to be first so as to limit the number of invasive tests Jimmy has to endure. That's only if you care about your patient's wellbeing beyond figuring out what's wrong with him, however. As usual, Kumar gets bogged down in the petty details and asks about this point system. For that, he loses three points. Ha ha! House hands CTB a model of the human eye that was on his desk, saying whoever holds it is the only person allowed to run tests.
Foreman follows House out to the hall and lectures him for both hiring people based on a game (I guess it's better to hire them based on Cuddy forcing them into the position, eh, Foreman?) and now for treating a patient based on a game, like House has never done this before. Except at least twice this season already and once last season as well. Also, they're walking through "Ivy Hall." I've never seen that before. I hope it comes with a balcony! House tells Foreman he's doing what he has to do to hire the best team and save the most lives. Foreman doesn't buy this, so House says he doesn't need Foreman.
He doesn't need Wilson either, but House duly reports to his office for more lecturing. Not this time, though, as House finds him sitting in a chair with his jaw hanging open. Whoops! Looks like Cameron gave someone an accidental lobotomy! Again! But no, Wilson's slack-jaw is the result of him realizing that he misdiagnosed a patient with terminal cancer. Wow. Wilson has few enough patients as it is, and now it seems that some of them don't even have cancer. One wonders if Wilson is just giving away cancer diagnoses to hot ladies he can sleep with or people who want marijuana prescriptions. This time, though, it appears that Wilson's mistake could have been made by even a competent doctor, as the patient's biopsy came back with a false positive and the patient himself apparently didn't find it necessary to get a second opinion. House pronounces this "interesting," and Wilson gets all upset that House isn't jumping for joy at the random patient he doesn't know's good fortune. Wilson, you don't know House at all depending on who's writing your dialogue from week to week, do you?
Thirteen finds CTB standing outside a men's room, waiting for Jimmy to finish his business so she can run her test. Thirteen and Thirteen's Turtleneck ask CTB why her first inclination was a drug-related diagnosis. With a perfect note of "let me explain this to you, stupid" in her voice, CTB says that if Jimmy was shooting cancer into his veins on a regular basis, she'd have guessed cancer. And Wilson would have approved that diagnosis without bothering to check his work, apparently. "You're an idiot," Thirteen responds. How dare she speak to CTB like that?! But maybe she has a little bit of a point, as she points out that CTB just left a chain smoker and an oxygen tank unattended. This is punctuated by a muffled blast. If only Thirteen had gone in there to stop Jimmy from lighting up instead of talking about it, she could have saved him from blowing himself up. Since she didn't, the ladies run in to find Jimmy still alive but all smokey, looking not unlike when Daffy Duck would accidentally make dynamite explode in his face.
Wilson is just about to tell his no-longer-terminal patient that it's not really cancer when House runs in, wearing a white labcoat for added fake professionalism. I wonder which doctor he stole that from. House takes a seat on the counter behind Wilson to observe as Wilson tells No More Cancer that he's cancer-free. "I don't get it," No More Cancer says. "Cool," House says. Not so cool for No More Cancer, who just sold his house, bought tickets to Venice, and has had three good-bye parties in his honor that I'm sure were just a ton of fun for all attendees. Those things are sad enough when they're for someone who's moving far away; can you imagine one for someone who is dying of cancer? Super-bummer. Just tell the guy you can't go because you're also dying of terminal cancer and then figure he'll die before you have to tell him the truth. And honestly, isn't it just a bit excessive to have three good-bye parties? One, sure. Two, maybe if a lot of people weren't able to attend the first one for whatever reason. But three? That's just begging for attention. Now that No More Cancer has more than three months to live, he's kind of screwed. He's going to have to pay his broker commission on a house he doesn't have to sell anymore and he'll have to return all those good-bye party gifts, although those gifts were probably stuff he won't be able to use anymore anyway, like coffin accoutrements and DIY death mask kits. "Thank you for letting me know," No More Cancer says, not looking very grateful at all. He leaves, and Wilson says he thought the guy would be happier to live than he would be sad about losing the broker commission. "It's not about the money," House says. I guess No More Cancer guy just really hates the principle of broker fees. Also, life.
The Numbers enter the conference room to find House writing a scoreboard. CTB is pleased to see she has 17 points until House says he was starting at 100. She lost 71 points for blowing up the men's bathroom. Now House will have to use the women's bathroom for his silent pissing. Kumar, who has 97 points, asks about Foreman. House says he paged him to another part of the hospital to get him away from them. Thirteen wants to run her tests next, but CTB protests that she never did hers. Thirteen points out that Jimmy's lungs are now in too bad a shape for any of CTB's tests. I guess that's why she let the guy blow up, then -- to thwart CTB's chance to do her test so she could perform her test first. Very cunning indeed, Thirteen, except for the part where you knowingly let a patient almost kill himself. CTB doesn't care much more about Jimmy's welfare, though, as she wants to do an open-lung biopsy on Jimmy to get her test results. Thirteen is disgusted that CTB would do such an invasive procedure just to cover her ass. House decides to watch the brewing catfight from the relative safety of behind the Whiteboard O'Symptoms, which can deflect fingernail scratches and hair-pulls. Thirteen says it's not Jimmy's fault he's an addict, to which CTB says it totally is. While CTB treats Jimmy like an adult who is capable of making his own decisions, be they good or bad, Thirteen prefers to think of him as a child who needs someone else to make choices for him and should not be held accountable for his actions. House tells them to put Jimmy on a nicotine patch to stop his reckless smoking and do the biopsy. Thirteen shoots House an angry glare on her way out the door.
Chase makes an appearance, asking Foreman how "the new us's" last case is proceeding. Meanwhile, Foreman is the new Foreman. While Chase and Cameron have moved on, he's still a Cottage, and spends most of his time reading magazines and newspapers, from which he can look up to shoot House a disdainful glare every once in a while. Right now, he's sticking close to PS, who's in the patient's room prepping him for the biopsy. Foreman figures as long as he sticks to PS, he'll be able to keep track of House and hopefully stop him from playing games with their patient's life. Chase points out that Foreman isn't wearing a lab coat, just like House. I think that's more because House stole Foreman's lab coat than it is that Foreman is turning into House, though. With that, Foreman is paged and has to leave. You'd think he'd learn to stop answering his pages by now, since they all seem to be from House trying to make him go to the other side of the hospital.
Ah, but this time, it was PS paging Foreman to Jimmy's room, where the patient is violently protesting the part of his biopsy prep that involves his left arm. Foreman quickly figures out it's because Jimmy has nicotine patches all over that arm. Foreman had to dope Jimmy up to check, though, so I'm guessing that Jimmy's going to do this again just to get some more of that sweet, sweet sedative. An irritated CTB accuses Jimmy of being juvenile and purposeless, operating under the assumption that he cares what she thinks, while PS uses the presence of blood pooling in one of Jimmy's fingers to prove that he's got blood clots moving throughout his body. CTB sighs that her diagnosis was wrong. Damn! I really hope House's definition of hiring merit is "my favorite character."
After the commercial, CTB has negative six points and is quickly entering super Jeopardy loser territory. Kumar loses ten points for stating the obvious: if a blood clot enters Jimmy's heart or lung, it'll kill him. Aw, that's not fair! Someone has to exposition this stuff to the non-doctor audience! Meanwhile, PS isn't even there, as House figured out that Foreman was following him, so he paged PS somewhere else. PS also lost twenty points somewhere along the line, bringing his score down to eighty. House tells the three that Jimmy has "schistocytes" in his blood, which is causing the clotting. CTB guesses it's drug-related, and Thirteen immediately accuses CTB of stereotyping their patient and refusing to see past his drug abuse. Meanwhile, Thirteen thinks Jimmy has malaria even though he hasn't been out of the country in years. Um...how is that better than CTB's drug-related diagnoses? At least Jimmy is actually exposed to drugs on a regular basis. But House likes it when his fellows think outside the box of reasonable assumptions and tells CTB that she's been wrong up until now, so Thirteen gets the eye model to do her cockamamie malaria test while House has a private chat with CTB.
In his office, he asks her why she hates drug addicts. She immediately says she wasn't talking about House, because the drugs he's taking are a "necessary prescription." If she believed that, though, House wouldn't have been the first thing on her mind when he asked her about drug addicts. House tells her they're talking about the patient, not him. She says Jimmy is throwing his life away. House says at least he isn't living in fear of every pop quiz. That's because he doesn't have to work for a guy who keeps giving them out. "Why are you afraid to lose?" he asks. A tiny little crack in CTB's composure appears as she angrily asks if House is going to fire her because she likes to win. Winners, CTB says, are happy. House shrugs and says their patient seems happy enough as a loser. I'm still not sure how Jimmy is a "loser." He's in an apparently successful band and gets to create and perform music I'm assuming he loves. But CTB says Jimmy is "an idiot." "He's a happy idiot," House clarifies. Is there any other kind? That tiny crack in CTB's composure gets a lot bigger as she says, emphatically and with tears in her eyes that she doesn't see how doing anything to get the right answer is bad for her patients -- or House. And just as she lost it, CTB puts her guard back up and leaves the room with a smug smile on her face. And let me just say that that scene is why I like CTB so much better than Thirteen. Anne Dudek NAILED that scene. She makes a character who could be totally hateable seem interesting and human. Olivia Wilde has not, thus far, shown anywhere near that kind of talent. While Thirteen is a more likeable character whose mysteriousness is supposed to be compelling, she bores me to tears. I'd rather be friends with Thirteen in real life, but I'd rather watch CTB on my television.
Thirteen finds PS heading for House with a bag from the pharmacy. She guesses he's trying to score points with House by giving him Vicodin, which is actually a pretty ingenious plan. PS says he doesn't care about their patient at all, so he's not going to spend any time on him. And while plying House with Vicodin is smart, deciding not to have anything to do with your final patient is...not. It's kind of do or die at this point, right? Thirteen asks PS why he wants this job, apparently not getting the memo that this is the only job PS can get right now. And by "memo," I mean, " thing House told everyone two weeks ago ." Maybe Thirteen was suffering from Huntington's-related hearing loss then. By the way, Jimmy has disappeared.
Wilson enters his office to find House at his desk playing one of Jimmy's (self-released) records. It's not easy listening. Wilson turns it off, and House asks him why his checkbook is sitting on his desk on top of a Liability Release form. PPTH must go through a forest worth of those forms every week. Wilson points out that they were actually hidden in one of his desk drawers until House went snooping around and found them. House thinks Wilson is going to give No More Cancer a check for that broker's fee to assuage his guilt, when House doesn't think Wilson has anything to feel guilty for. "There's no injury," he says. Well, there kind of is. The guy spent three months thinking he was about to die, which I would assume made him kind of sad and stuff. He probably quit his job in a spectacular, bridge-burning fashion and blew his pension on coke and whores. But House thinks that three months of thinking you're going to die is fun times, as you get to be "special." No More Cancer is only upset because he's not special anymore. By the way, this is coming from a guy who tried to fake terminal cancer to get a drug pump implanted in his brain, so...grain of salt. Thirteen and PS enter to ask House, hoping against hope, if he knows where Jimmy is. House tells PS to look for Jimmy and Thirteen to follow him. On his way out, he puts the record back on for Wilson's benefit. It's called expanding your musical horizons, Wilson. Come on now.
In his office, House asks Thirteen why she loves drug addicts. Who cares? Thirteen says she thinks there's more to Jimmy than his drug use. Not even Jimmy thinks that, Thirteen. House asks why she's being so noble, guessing that she must have a druggie past or alcoholic parents to explain this. I doubt it, since the fact that Thirteen has a medical degree at such a young age would suggest that she spent her youth studying instead of drugging, and we know that her mother was too busy dying from a torturous degenerative illness to get wasted. Thirteen just says "drugs are always a mask for something else." "That's the dumbest thing I've heard in my life," House says. Thirteen smirks and leaves the room to go call her drunk dad. House goes to the Whiteboard and gives Thirteen two extra points, bringing her total to 102. And he smiles about it. So when Kumar says stupid stuff he loses ten points, but when Thirteen does it, she gains two points? Unfair.
PS asks Thirteen why she wants a job with a man who has no respect for her insane need for privacy or his patients' well-being. Because Thirteen never answers any questions directly, she just shushes PS as her super-hearing has picked up Jimmy's voice in the Pediatric Ward. They find him there, entertaining the kids by throwing himself on the floor. PS goes to get him, but Thirteen holds him back, saying malaria's not contagious. "What a moron, bzz bzz!" say the mosquitoes. But good for Thirteen for being so confident in her insane malaria diagnosis that she's willing to risk a bunch of sick kids' lives on it. So everyone lets the man of questionable sanity jump around a bunch of kids while wearing no underwear and a hospital robe that opens in the back until he passes out and the kids are all traumatized. Thirteen checks on Jimmy's vitals while PS cries out for "a lot of nurses" for him to have sex with.
Cuddy finds House playing the piano in the classroom. That piano sure does get around PPTH. Cuddy tells House to get his patient under control. His head bowed in false submission, House says he wants to keep all four Numbers. Yay! Cuddy says he only gets two. Boo! House says he's hoping they'll negotiate it down to three and a half, which would cover all of the Numbers, since PS is short. Is he really that short? Or is it just that Thirteen and especially CTB are that tall? Cuddy doesn't think House wants to keep all four or even three of the Numbers. He just doesn't want to have to pick and stop his little games. House goes the flattery route by asking Cuddy who she'd pick. She says House never asks for her advice -- in fact, he goes out of his way to avoid it. House says she might be a bureaucrat and a second-rate doctor but "you do...know this stuff." Yeah, she knows it so well that she re-hired Foreman. Cuddy is touched and says she'd keep PS and Kumar. PS will stand up to House, which House won't like but he will "respect." And Kumar, who Cuddy wanted to fire just last week, shares House's "philosophy of medicine," which will somehow help House. Not enough that she didn't want him gone last week, but whatever. With that, Kumar and Thirteen enter and says the malaria test came back negative (suck it, Thirteen!) but they did find "bad blood fragments" that are the cause of Jimmy's clotting problem.
Kumar and Thirteen follow House with guesses as to how those bad blood fragments got in Jimmy's blood. Thirteen guesses "hemolysis from the malaria meds" they gave Jimmy for the malaria he doesn't have. Whoops! House tells them to shush, as he's already figured it out. He finds Jimmy's band hanging out in the hallway and checks their arms for track marks. He finds them on one guy and dumps out his jacket. There's a needle. Before Thirteen can say she's sure the guy was using it for diabetes, House says the guy shared his needle with Jimmy, getting his blood in Jimmy's and causing the blood fragments and the clotting. Also, a touch of hepatitis. And AIDS. I know they're heroin addicts, but there's no excuse for shooting up without protection these days. The clotting and the blood fragments are not, therefore, symptoms, and they'll have to start over again. House tells them to throw Jimmy's bandmates out and strap Jimmy to the bed. Kumar shouts that Jimmy isn't in his bed right now -- he's on the floor suffering from respiratory failure. Thirteen and Kumar help the guy while House stands over them and tells Thirteen that she's in luck -- this is definitely not because of drugs.
After the break, the team is hiding from Foreman in the laundry room. House tells them to cross clotting and bad blood fragments off their list of symptoms and add respiratory failure. CTB immediately guesses inhalants. Did she not see Thirteen's extra-credit points on the Whiteboard? Time to step away from the drug-related diagnoses, CTB. House rolls his eyes and says if he wanted a drug diagnosis for the sake of a drug diagnosis, he'd have told Foreman where they were. Too bad Foreman was waiting for just such a statement to make his grand entrance. He's been hiding behind the industrial-sized washing machine this whole time, having cleverly followed PS, who in turn followed CTB. Not because he was trying to find House, mind you, but to look at her ass. PS guesses an infection, to which House waves the negative results of a lumbar puncture around. But who ordered the LP? Thirteen did, hoping to hedge her bets by testing her bacterial meningitis theory. I guess she wasn't that confident about malaria after all. Bacterial meningitis, by the way, is VERY contagious. If she had even the slightest suspicion that Jimmy had that, she really shouldn't have let him hang around a bunch of children with compromised immune systems.
Everyone's a little irritated with Thirteen for cheating and doing an extra test, but Foreman just shrugs that "it's a harmless test." Yeah, tell that to the guy who had to have his lumbar punctured. For this, Thirteen loses fifty points and the power of the eyeball, which is awarded to Kumar to test his new pulmonary embolism diagnosis. CTB protests that Kumar is going to do the same thing Thirteen did -- secretly run a bunch of tests on Jimmy and make the correct diagnosis based on the results. Kumar denies this, which is too bad for him, since House says he would have given him forty points for cleverness. Instead, they go to CTB. Hooray! You're still in the game, CTB! Don't give up! Winners never quit! House tells Foreman to run Kumar's tests instead. "Sure!" Foreman says, not looking all that eager to do anything House asks him to. He leaves, and House and Thirteen have a funny little exchange about how Foreman isn't about to do any tests. And why would he when there's a new issue of Popular Mechanics from which he can look up and shake his head?
House runs the tests instead. He ultrasounds Jimmy's lungs and insults his music at the same time. Jimmy says he plays his music for himself, not for House. House points out that he also plays for an audience. He asks Jimmy if he's given up because if he doesn't try, he can't fail. Jimmy says most people can't stand his music. Most of them ignore him, although a few of them "feel like they have to tell me what I'm screwing up. You know, what I'm wasting. Why do they care?" Because it's easier and safer to recap a show that's already been written than it is to write one yourself? Oh, wait -- that's me. I'm not sure why those people feel the need to tell you they hate your music and way of life, Jimmy. But if it really upsets you, you should stop going to that jimmy_crit LJ community. Also, Jimmy has some peculiar masses near his heart. He doesn't care, and House finds it interesting that Jimmy cares if people like his music, but not if he lives or dies.
Wilson apologizes to No Cancer Man again, this time accompanied by a big ol' check. No Cancer Man rips it up, and Wilson naively thinks he thinks it's wrong to take money from his doctor. No, No Cancer Man says -- it's just not enough money. Wow, this guy has some balls. Or at least he did before he was misdiagnosed with testicular cancer. Whoops! "You ruined my life," No Cancer Man says. When he thought he was dying, he says, looking directly at the camera in a rather creepy manner (stop breaking the fourth wall, Deran Serafian! This isn't a reality show! Or at least, it isn't until all the stockpiled episodes run out), he was living his life in the present for the first time. Now that's gone, and it's Wilson's fault. Hey, it's not Wilson's fault that No Cancer Man sucked at life before he thought he had terminal cancer. If he thinks life with a terminal disease is all fun and games, he should try getting a real one and seeing how much living in the present he can do while his body slowly but surely shuts down around him.
House spends some time with the boys, who criticize his ultrasound skills by saying the picture he got is fuzzy due to Jimmy's withdrawal shakes. House subtracts five points for Kumar's ingratitude, and then ten more for suggesting they sedate Jimmy to do the test again, as sedation plus opiates plus respiratory failure equals death. PS suggests a congenital defect in Jimmy's heart, saying a vessel could have wrapped itself around his trachea, causing the respiratory problems. House gives PS the eyeball and asks him what test he wants to run. PS says an MRA will get a clear picture of the vessel, and then he loses twenty points for forgetting that an MRA will come out just as shaky as the ultrasound did. PS protests that they have to get a picture and loses another forty points. This is like that time when my mom took my dessert away but I kept mouthing off so she took it away for the rest of the week as well as my TV privileges and my allowance. Never play chicken with authority, PS.
So House and PS go to Chase and ask him to do some exploratory open-heart surgery. Chase refuses to perform a procedure that will most likely kill the patient. What a prima donna! PS says if they don't fix the vessel they have no idea if Jimmy even has, Jimmy will die, although it's not so urgent that House can't waste time by asking Chase who he should hire. Chase doesn't want to say in front of PS, who says that if Chase doesn't do the surgery, Jimmy will die, and everyone will know it's because Chase refused to do a life-saving surgery on him because he's bitter that House fired him. Or at least, that's how PS will make sure it plays out. Chase tells House to hire PS and CTB. "You'll get stuff done," he says. Of course Chase likes those two -- they're both all about themselves, just like he is. By the way, how is sedating Jimmy for an MRA bad but putting him under for open-heart surgery totally okay?
Oh, well! Jimmy has his open-heart surgery. It's totally unnecessary, as Chase doesn't find an anomalous vessel, but he does find giant lymph nodes, explaining the peculiar masses House saw. Oh, and then Jimmy crashes. In the OR balcony, Foreman takes a second to gloat that House's game is not going well right now.
Back in the conference room, CTB has 34 points, Kumar has 72, Thirteen has 52, and PS has 20. House says they're dealing with large lymph nodes and a patient near death. That means Foreman has been invited back into the conference room and the game is over. House needs ideas and it doesn't matter who they come from. To prove this, he erases the scoreboard. Foreman says House can't just end this game, since they all know whoever has the right idea is the winner. Foreman tells House to hire who he wants and fire the other two so they can make some real progress on the case. With that, House calls Thirteen and Kumar's names and tells them to go home. Wow. I wasn't expecting that at all. This is a nice, pleasant surprise. Thirteen asks why. Kumar just keeps diagnosing, much like he did the first time he was fired, all the way back when he was Number 6 and I liked him. Kumar and Thirteen work together to save their jobs and their patient, only to come up with...a drug-related diagnosis. I guess Thirteen's admirable non-stereotyping only extends as far as her own self-interest, just like the rest of us. House unfires them (damn!) and tells them to treat Jimmy for drug-related heavy metal poisoning and find out where he gets his drugs. "Competition works," he tells Foreman. You haven't cured the guy, yet, House. Or diagnosed him, actually.
Some moron decided that CTB should be the person to ask Jimmy where he gets his drugs, despite the fact that she is unable to conceal her contempt for him. Shockingly, he won't tell her and doesn't care if he dies because of it. In fact, he'd rather die young and awesome than old and decrepit. I knew a guy who used to say that. He died last June. He was twenty-six years old. And he was wrong. Jimmy says he never wanted to be an adult anyway, but the fact that he's crying kind of makes me question this. "You don't regret anything," CTB says, both believing him and not believing him. Jimmy says he regrets everything but the drugs and the drinking and the fighting and asks CTB if she hates him. "Yeah," she says, but I don't think that's true. I think she resents the hell out of him because he can shut off the part of his brain that cares about achievement and accomplishment and she can't, no matter how much she wants to. "I don't care," Jimmy says. "What's it like?" she whispers. It's about time CTB got her moment. I just hope it's not her last. "It means you have no regrets," Jimmy says, so clearly he does care about something, since he said he does have regrets. Also, I think they're quoting Madonna songs now. Strike a pose.
Wilson finds House in his office, studying Jimmy's music. House says Jimmy has managed to write songs with no redeeming notes. He is in awe. I love how House's policy of listening to the music of any musician he happens to be treating is working against him this week. Jimmy ain't no brain-damaged pianist or jazz musician. Wilson doesn't care, because he has bigger fish to fry, and those fish have canes: looking wounded, disappointed, and not exactly surprised, he asks House if he's been giving No More Cancer legal advice. Busted, House turns the music off and says he didn't want Wilson to give his own money away, since it would make less money available to lend to House. Wilson says he wants to accept responsibility for his mistake. How long has he been a doctor? And he's never made a mistake before? Or does he pay any and all mistakes, no matter how honest, off with however much of his own money he deems appropriate? There is such a thing as caring too much, Wilson. House, on the other hand, doesn't think Wilson should care about anyone but himself. Wilson accuses House of being controlling and playing games, although the second part was just thrown in there because it's the episode's title, I suspect. The only thing House cares about, Wilson says, is whatever he decides is "interesting." House says Jimmy's music was more aurally pleasant than this. Wilson keeps going, saying that House is scared because he knows he can't control everything. House says Wilson wants to cure pain. Wilson says House wants to avoid it. So they both have impossible dreams. "Dying's easy. Living's hard," Wilson bumper-stickers. I think that all depends who you're doing it for, though. House looks around for a Whiteboard so he can give Wilson two points for his poignant but meaningless platitude.
With that, Kumar enters and says that the heavy metal treatment isn't working. Not even the Megadeth? Jimmy really is punk rock to the core. Or not, as Kumar adds that Jimmy volunteers at a home for abandoned children. House yells at Kumar for telling him something that isn't "medically relevant," even though it's tiny, inconsequential-seeming details like this that always solve the case. Usually, we get those details earlier in the show so it doesn't look quite so obvious, though. "Stop playing games and do your job," Wilson orders, although I'm not exactly sure what game he thinks House is playing right now other than the game the writers are playing called "Who Can Fit The Episode Title In Their Episode The Most, No Matter How Clumsily And Nonsensically?" It's like pin-the-tail on the donkey, but with words!
Back in the classroom, House says he's going to try firing PS and CTB to see what they can come up with. Then he fires Kumar and Thirteen again just for the hell of it. I don't think anyone takes House's firings seriously anymore. They don't come up with anything, so House says he'll just get a kid to tell Jimmy he's dying, since that's the only people he seems to be able to relate to. It's an awkward line that comes out of nowhere, but is necessary to the plot, as it gives House an idea. He asks Kumar about those abandoned kids. "Is it medically relevant?" Kumar spits back at him, not knowing when the right time for a retort is.
House reports to Cuddy's office with all of the Numbers in tow. He lines them up in front of her desk and asks Cuddy if he can do a brain biopsy on Jimmy. Cuddy asks if he's talking about the patient who almost died during unnecessary open-heart surgery. House eagerly nods "yes." Cuddy just as eagerly shakes her head "no," then asks why he's brought the Numbers to her. He says all four of them helped him solve the case and he wants her to know it and feel guilty about ordering him to fire two of them. So, how did they help House? Well, CTB thinks Jimmy is a loser. Thirteen thinks he's a winner with a few problems. PS thinks he needs to grow up. And Kumar thinks it's an autoimmune disorder. Individually, they are wrong, but together they helped House figure out the right answer -- measles. He got them from the children he volunteers for, and any vaccinations Jimmy had against measles wore off from years of drug abuse messing with his immune system, which also overreacted to the virus and caused some of his other symptoms. So CTB was right that it was drug-related, Thirteen was right that Jimmy had at least one redeeming factor with his volunteer work, PS was right that he was childish and expressed that by hanging out with measles-carrying abandoned children, and Kumar was right that it had an autoimmune component. But Cuddy won't let House do a brain biopsy unless Jimmy displays some neurological symptoms. CTB pipes up that she noticed Jimmy kept swallowing, which could indicate a partial seizure. She even demonstrates it to comedic effect. To get rid of them all, Cuddy tells House that if he can induce a seizure, she'll let him do the biopsy.
Kumar hooks Jimmy up to a seizure machine full of seizing-inducing flashing lights, but House has a better idea: giant speakers (not sure what PPTH is doing with those, but whatever) playing Jimmy's music. It's not long before Jimmy is thrusting around, although House isn't sure if he's having a seizure or dancing. Kumar is pretty sure it's a seizure. Well, that was easy.
I am honestly on the edge of my seat for this last firing squad. I've avoided the spoilers so I have no idea who House is going to keep (except for one, which I'll explain later) and who he's going to fire, although I have my suspicions. It begins with some nice pleasant guitar music that sounds like the opening of an episode of 7th Heaven . House calls this "mood music," to which Kumar points out that it's more folky than moody, and House tells him to learn when to shut up. By the way, all we know about Kumar is that he's an annoying pain in the ass. And he loves magic. What makes him worth keeping? House tells CTB to stand up. He doesn't call her Cutthroat Bitch this time, and she notices. House says she played the game better than anyone else, but she played it for the wrong reasons, and she was wrong about Jimmy. House says what they're listening to is an early recording from Jimmy, back when he cared about making music that other people would enjoy listening to. He's more than a drug addict, and by not being able to see that, CTB didn't get the diagnosis. "If you're gonna work for me, you have to be willing to be wrong, willing to lose. 'Cause you just did," House says; "you're fired." Awwwwwww. CTB looks crushed and sits back down. I had a feeling this was going to happen, but it still sucks.
House then wipes the smirk right off of Thirteen's face when he tells her to stand and fires her. She's shocked. All that work she put into carefully constructing a wall of alluring mystery around her, and it was for nothing. Oh well! Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya, Thirteen! House says he only has two spots. If he had three, he would have kept her. That should make CTB feel awesome right now. So I guess Foreman is good for something after all. Thirteen just smirks to accentuate her perfect cheekbones. Such acting. Meanwhile, CTB is, like, throwing up in her grief. Kumar sits there with his mouth hanging open. "Game over!" House says. Wow. Okay, I knew Kumar was going to make it, because I was at Subway a few weeks ago and some woman was talking on her cell phone about how her friend "Kal" was going to be a series regular on the show. I yelled at the woman to put spoiler bars over her phone conversations and tried to give her a 20% warning, but she just looked at me weird. I really thought Thirteen was a shoo-in for the second spot, though. And I hoped against hope for CTB. I never dreamed it would be PS.
But it's not over yet! Jimmy wakes up from his biopsy to find CTB hovering over him. She tells him they're treating his measles (is this the first time House has repeated a diagnosis? Not that it matters, since even a repeat diagnosis presents entirely differently) so he'll grow old after all. And she got fired. Jimmy asks her why she's hanging around his room, then. "Trying not to care," she says. "That's not easy," he says. CTB just laughs mirthlessly and shakes her head, thinking that anything would be easier than feeling like she does now.
Cuddy enters the classroom and says House can't hire two men. She only recommended Kumar and PS because she knew he would do the opposite of whatever she said. So it's okay to hire two women, but not two men? Cuddy says House has to hire a woman. You know, it's affirmative action policies like this that get otherwise incompetent people like Cuddy hired to positions they don't deserve. House wants to hire both women, but Cuddy says he can only have one. She suggests "the one that gives a crap about people." Oh please please pleeeeease let that be CTB. "They both do," House says, sincerely. You know, despite how much he professes to hate and/or not care about people, I really do think it upsets him to fire people. That is, when he isn't making a funny production out of it. "Hire Thirteen," Cuddy says. House nods seriously, but smiles as soon as Cuddy turns around. She can sense it. "This was your plan all along," she says. He just keeps smiling. "Well, at least the games are over," Cuddy says, clumsily shoehorning the episode title in there. "How long have you known me?" House asks. Not so long that she can't fall ass-first into every single one of his traps. But as long as she gets what she wants -- a female Cottage for the sake of a female Cottage, regardless of apparent skill -- and House gets what he wants -- the three best Cottages for the job, even if one of them had to be fake-fired three times to make it happen -- they're both happy enough. Then again, CTB says only idiots are happy. Sigh.
So Kumar, Taub, and Thirteen are the new Cottages. Foreman will be there, too, although I'm not sure why or what he'll be doing. I like Taub, am still waiting to get a sense of Kumar's identity beyond the fact that he's a dope, and I'm sure I've made my feelings about Thirteen clear by now although I'll be happy to change my mind if she drops the mystery bullshit and gets a real name. Even 7 of 9 had a real name, and she spent most of her life as a Borg drone, which is probably worse than thinking you might have Huntington's. As for the rest of the Numbers, well, I just hope CTB is having hot sex with Jimmy or, at the very least, fulfilling her secret dream of singing in a punk-rock band. I'm gonna miss her. And Weird Beard. And Cole, who I thought was sure to get hired until Cuddy re-hired Foreman. And even that veterinarian chick. Terzzzi...not so much. But you can't win them all.
What ails the staff at PPTH? We've got the diagnoses.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me , which she occasionally updates when she's bored at work. Or you can try your luck emailing her at saramorrison@gmail.com with news that some Nigerian king died and she stands to gain ten percent of his fortune if she hands over her bank account info.