Last night, well, Tom says it best when he says that "mayhem erupted in the ballroom." There was Bruno telling Billy Ray his dance was crap, and Carrie Ann's computer glitch. Like the show really uses computers; I'm sure they just write down the scores on an index card that gets passed to Samantha, and she still manages to screw it up sometimes. But it's....LIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!
Tom recaps the previous night's events. The judges pounced on Ian when his foxtrot failed to impress. Carrie Ann basically told Ian that he's not a very good actor, because he couldn't pretend he wants to jump Cheryl's bones. Joey eliminated the razzle-dazzle for his waltz, but he brought it back for the mambo, to Bruno's delight. Laila danced for her father, who was in the studio audience. The judges thought her first dance was brilliant, but Len didn't like the theatrics of her jive. And then, oh, Billy Ray. Bruno said his dance was crap, and immediately realized that the language might be a bit strong. Billy Ray pouted about it for a really, really long time. Apolo did a great tango. Len thought it lacked passion, which caused Tom Bergeron to beat Len about the head with his cards. And then the infamous computer error, where Carrie Ann gave them a ten but it was reported as a 9, but they finally got it straightened out and the ten stood. And then his second dance got a perfect score. Apolo and Julianne were thrilled that they impressed Len, since he's so hard to impress.
Hey, Samantha cut her hair. It makes her look older. Anyway, after the judges scoring, Apolo and Julianne lead with 58, followed by Joey and Kym with 55, and then Laila and Maksim with 53. Bringing up the rear are Ian and Cheryl with 47 and Billy Ray and Karin with 38. But don't call it crappy. God forbid. The judges will now announce their choice for the encore dance: Apolo and Julianne doing their paso doble, which received the only perfect score for the night, so it's an obvious choice. Have I mentioned that they are dancing to "My Darling Clementine"? Their pass where Julianne does a run into a sliding split goes much better tonight, probably since the pressure is off. Apolo gets a ton of height on his jump. When they finish, I notice that Len leads the standing ovation.
Nelly Furtado will perform "I'm Like a Bird" as Tony and Elena dance. I think Nelly should talk to Chris Richardson about how "nasally" is a singing style, because she is singing this entire song through her nose. The one thing I don't like about this "famous singer with dancers performing at the same time" thing is that the camera never knows whether to focus on the singer or the dancers, so you get a little bit of each, which is unsatisfying. Like, I don't need to see this much Nelly Furtado. I can hear her. Why not show me what the dancers are doing? At the end, they do sort of a split screen, which is interesting, but not entirely successful.
Samantha's backstage with Laila and Maksim. She asks Laila about her parents. Laila says her father really loved it when Billy Ray did some shadow boxing in front of him. I'm glad she said that, because some people found it disrespectful. Laila is also very careful to note that her mother is there every week, and that Maksim's family was in the audience last night as well. Samantha sort of dismisses that, because who cares about the professionals, right? Kidding. Samantha moves on to ask Apolo and Julianne about his competitive spirit, and he gives a boring answer. Samantha asks Billy Ray and Karina if they have mellowed a little bit after last night's harsh words. Billy Ray says that tonight is a celebration and he's conquered a fear, so he feels blessed. He clearly thinks he's going home tonight, and if there is a God, he should.
Audience reaction! Some old lady wanted to punch the judges out. But one guy thinks the judges were right on with Billy Ray. Marilu Henner was happy to see Muhammad Ali and also to watch his daughter dance. A lot of people thought Apolo was off the hook. The bottom two could be Billy Ray and Ian. Another lady thinks the bottom two will be Billy Ray and Joey. Chris Kirkpatrick of N*SYNC fame doesn't think Joey will be in the bottom two. A lady says that this next elimination will "trim the fat." Did she just say that Billy Ray is fat?
It's time to reveal the first couple in the bottom two. To the surprise of no one, it's Billy Ray and Karina. But they don't tell us who is safe! They are switching things up this week.
Tom introduces Ed Saunders, the host of National Bingo Night. My grandma is so psyched, I can't even tell you.
Now Maksim and his brother Valentin are going to have a dance-off! I love a good dance-off. They each have female partners, and everyone has a very Russian name. Karina is one of the partners, but I didn't catch the other lady's name. There is a LOT of hip action in this dance. I think Valentin might be the only dude who can out-swivel Maksim. There are a lot of spangles as well. I just had a great idea! Maksim and Valentin should star in the film adaptation of the "Two Wild and Crazy Guys" SNL sketch! Come on. It would totally work. You know Lorne Michaels has an old script moldering on some shelf somewhere.
Samantha goes backstage to talk to the remaining contestants. Samantha asks Apolo if he's really worried, since he got such great scores, but before he can answer, Ian jumps on him and pretends to choke him, which scares the crap (I said it!) out of Apolo. Ian says that if he's meant to go tonight, it'll happen, and he's had a great time. Samantha says something about boxers having nerves of steel, which what? Laila is pretty fatalistic of the whole thing. Samantha wonders if Joey is still feeling confident, but Joey says that standing up there is always nerve-wracking. The stars joke amongst each other. They are all more funny than Samantha. Maybe they should just give them a microphone and let them interview each other.
Nelly Furtado is back to sing another song. I really don't remember her being this nasally. Louis and Cheryl come out to dance. Boy, I can't stand Louis. I know I've said it before, but he's just so smarmy. He could give Joey Fatone lessons in being cocky, and that's saying something. I just realized that the dancers don't actually dance for the full song, which is why the cameras don't focus on them the whole time. They just showed Louis and Cheryl standing off to the side, waiting for their cue. I think Cheryl would be a lot prettier with a different hairstyle. It's too old for her.
Time for the Jimmy Kimmel segment. Ooh, more gay panic jokes! I can't wait! This week, Jimmy and Guillermo are supposed to teach us the waltz. Guillermo prays for help to "the dancing fairy" and then Master P shows up. He jokes that you just rock back and forth, and that's what kept him on the show for four weeks. Has Master P lost like a hundred pounds? That doesn't even look like him. And...that's over. Thank God. More Dance Center, less Kimmel.
Now they're going to announce a couple that is safe, and it's...Ian and Cheryl. Holy crap! I really thought they'd be bottom two. I am not ashamed to admit that I voted for the first time this week, and it was for Ian and Cheryl. I can't help it. I am a 90210 diehard. Peach Pit for life!
How about a filler segment about how much the contestants have bonded? No? Too bad! I'll sum up. They all like each other. It's hard to see your friends eliminated. Everyone hugs each other after eliminations. I like how they pretend like they cared when Heather got eliminated. The reality is that someone goes home each week, and none of them really want to go home. Except Billy Ray.
Finally, they're going to reveal the other couple in the bottom two with Billy Ray and Karina. And the first safe couple is...Laila and Maksim. Joining them in the semifinals are...Apolo and Julianne. That means Joey and Kym are in the bottom two. There's a bit of an audio glitch during that announcement, and everyone looks confused, especially Ian and Cheryl. I don't know what happened there. I blame Samantha.
So it's Billy Ray and Karina vs. Joey and Kym. They let Tom do the final announcement. The couple leaving is...Billy Ray and Karina. Oh, thank God. That would have been a travesty otherwise. Joey is not my favorite all of the time, but he has about ten times more talent than Billy Ray. A hundred times. Everyone applauds Billy Ray's hard work. I like how careful they are to avoid mentioning his talent. Tom points out that Billy Ray always said that he wanted an 8, and this is week 8. Billy Ray thanks God, who I have to believe has more important things to worry about than a goofy dancing contest. He offers props to Karina and his fans, as well as to ABC and Disney. Tom reminds Billy Ray to plug his new album, and then they do a montage. It just makes me feel worse for Karina, having to try to manage him. Tom prompts them to do one final dance, which is junior high prom style, what with the swaying. They actually play "Everybody Hurts." Oh, this show. The poor choices never stop.